The Katonian Press: Valve Announces Left 4 Dead 3, Due October 2009
June 15, 2009 205 Comments
The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.
Valve Announces Left 4 Dead 3, Due October 2009
Bellevue, WA – Fresh off the heels of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Valve Software dropped another bombshell this week, announcing a third entry in their zombie survival series Left 4 Dead. “We are very excited to continue this franchise,” said Gabe Newell, founder and managing director of Valve. “We know our fans can’t wait to confront the zombie hordes again. And so we proudly announce our next title, Left 4 Dead 3, coming to PC and Xbox 360 consoles in October… of this year!”
The original Left 4 Dead was released to popular and critical acclaim in November of 2008 and has sold over 2.5 million copies. A sequel, Left 4 Dead 2, was announced at this year’s E3 and is slated for release in November of 2009.
Regarding the release date, Newell had this to say: “I know that this announcement means that Left 4 Dead 3 will actually release before Left 4 Dead 2, which might not make sense to some. But we’re just so excited about what we’ve done with this game that we want to get it into the gamer’s hands as soon as we can.”
Pressed about the quick turnaround in new titles, Valve’s Chet Faliszek assuaged some fears. “We came up with some really cool ideas during the development of Left 4 Dead 2 but the programmers had already written a bunch of code so we were kinda like: ‘Screw it, let’s make a NEW game!’ And we did! Besides, there was no way our cool new changes could have been applied to the previous games–I mean, it’s not like there’s some kind of magical ‘patch’ we could apply that would update them.”
Valve promises that Left 4 Dead 3 won’t disappoint. Players will get to take the role of one of four survivors: Joey, Francine, Louie, or Phil. New enemies include The Burper (who belches toxic smoke on players) and multi-ethnic zombies dressed in culture-specific clothing. The highly-touted A.I. Director feature, which dynamically ramps up the tension and difficulty for the players, has undergone some major changes as well. Valve wouldn’t reveal all the details, but an e-mail response did offer this tidbit: “Let’s just say the A.I. Director is a lot smarter and a lot more powerful this time around. You might just find yourself fighting your way to the escape vehicle in a movie and BOOM–your Xbox reboots. That’s the A.I. director at work.”
And what about new weapons? “We’re replacing the Sniper Rifle with a bow and arrow, since it’ll do about as much good against the Horde. Oh, and there’s now a sawed-off shotgun and, wait for it, a slightly better sawed-off shotgun. Zombies beware!”
Major retailers are now taking pre-orders for Left 4 Dead 2, Left 4 Dead 3, and Left 4 Dead 4 which was just announced during the writing of this story.
witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
Hawty McBloggy Invites You to Play 
Good right up. i’m loving how it mocks L4D 2 (or Just left 2 Die in my opinion) but i think it will be good. I just hate how sequels and DLC are announced before things are even close to being released
There could be a 3 where louis is found lol
this a joke obviously i mean joey francine louie and phil the real characters zoey francise louis and bill see the connection
no really? I couldn’t figure that out.
lol think about Duke Nukem Forever, it has been announced in 1997.. it’s pretty far for it’s release of 2011
why do you call it left 2 die thats retarded:0
still i cant wait till this damn game comes out
really wants l4d3 I have the other twoo :l
Is this our Kato? Gewd work! Also, I recommend all who enjoyed this watch the YouTube video ‘Hitler hears about Left 4 Dead 2’
That video was hilarious.
what video
Depends on who you mean by “our Kato”. :)
What do you mean? its My Kato XD
I also loved that video
look up bill finds out about l4d2
it’s freaking hilarious
And Wait, there’s more!
A shotgun with the barrels sawed off to the point it look like a pistol!, that you can dual wield!
In related news, Microsoft has announced a new entry in the ever-popular Halo universe entitled “Halo: Left 4 Dead”. Play as Master Chief, the Arbiter, N’tho ‘Sraom, or Usze ‘Taham, fighting hordes of the Flood to reach the next Forerunner safehouse. “It’s Left 4 Dead with plasma grenades!” says lead writer Frank O’Connor.
I could actually see something like that happening. . . Endless waves of flood sent out after you.
Each area could have a few “normal” enemies (Elites Grunts Brutes etc.) and while dispatching them the flood comes in and zombiefys (infects) them. . . It couldn’t play the same way Halo does right now though, it would need a few tweaks to make it work.
Wasn’t that pretty much “The Library” from Combat Evolved?
;)
I would swear they now call it ‘Firefight’!!!
its called halo reach
thats called a sawnoff shotgun dumbass
you want to bet
wait. left 4 dead 3 (due oct. 2009) comes out before left 4 dead 2 (due nov 2009)???!?!?!
I know rofl whats up with that
This sounds like a joke to me. I’m pretty sure it’s fake seeing as there’s no trailer, no mention of it and somehow they managed to finish it before they realise left 4 dead 2.
Complete rubbish
Umm, duh.
yo how do you know this? because it could have been on hold after left 4 dead 2 came out because they realized they couldn’t release the 3rd one first. it’s obvious that a 3rd left for dead will come out. and it will probably be soon.
Toll’d.
I spy a little displeasure at the TF2 sniper update.
apart from the fact that it makes no fucking sense it should be cool
… man… this would be funnier if it wasnt a possible reality :-(
more ethnic stereotype zombies i can see happening
having more ideas that cant fit into a game that shouldnt even be made yet i can see happening
multiple versions of the same gun… most likely being a sawed off shotgun i can see happening
system getting rebooted while playing i can see happening
sigh… all terrifying possiblities
at first i was like “huh? are you sure?” but once i read on i was laughing so hard! can’t wait for the bow and arrow! the sniper sucks and the slightly better sawed off shotgun sounds like a BLAST! haha.
you got bad taste in guns cause everybody knows the sniper is better
Haha, Inside Gaming thought that this was a serious post
It’s Star Wars all over again
i got Left for dead 2 , is awsome , cant wait for # 3 , SOUND GOOD , semi auto shot gun , that gun rocks , pipe bombs are cool , and not to mention the barrels os petrol you can pour onto zombies and ignite ,
‘
THE GAME ROCKS
I’m seriously confused!?!…is there REALLY gonna be a LEFT 4 DEAD 3 coming out October 2009?
Are you metally retarded? “I’m seriously confused!?!…is there REALLY gonna be a LEFT 4 DEAD 3 coming out October 2009?” – L4D:42 days later
no there will be no LFD3 in October. its just a joke.THAT’S VERY funny lol i though it was real XD
Wtf!?, how the hell am I mentaly retarded 4 askin that fuckin Question?…I thought they seriously ment L4D III was really gonna come out b4 L4D II…what part of the question did u not get?
Nice swearing.
let’s hope that gets your point on SOMETHING across, otherwise swear words are a pointless set of adjectives, nouns and verbs.
You should read the entire article in future.
FAKE gaming news. for the humour of others, and apparently the displeasure of others.
but whatever…
left 4 dead 3 is the same like left 4 dead 1
First sentence:
The Katonian Press […] will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news.
How did you not get that?!
i got Left for dead 2 , is awsome , cant wait for # 3 , SOUND GOOD , semi auto shot gun , that gun rocks , pipe bombs are cool , and not to mention the barrels os petrol you can pour onto zombies and ignite ,
‘
THE GAME ROCKS – Jarryd
L4D2 isn’t even out yet, idiot. It’s not due out til November 17th.
Omg the second 1 comes out in november wat the hell
The sad thing is: Valve probably already has Left 4 Dead 3 in the works.
That’s cool! I thought they will not work again with Half-Life 2 Episode Three and start Left 4 Dead 3.
Pingback: Should I buy L4D or wait for L4D2? - Overclock.net - Overclocking.net
Impossible!!!Left 4 Dead 2 is coming out this november . and how could possibly Left 4 Dead 3 is coming out first than Left 4 Dead 2.
Huh? But Left4Dead2 Is Coming Out In November! You Cant Relese A Left4Dead3 Out before Left4Dead2! XD Lol Well It Would Be Awesome For A Left4Dead3 Tho!! YAYY! Wait No I Havent Even Played Left4Dead2 Yet Lol XD YAYY! Cant Wait Till November!!!
LOL XD INORITE??? HAHAHA EEXXXX DEEEEEEEEEE
You sir, are a dimwit.
Well.. That would be interesting..
But still.. why give the announcement of a 3rd when they havent Released the 2nd.
Besides.. when i played Left4Dead2 Demo.. i kinda didnt get the feeling of Left4Dead.. i wanna play as Louis, Bill, Francis and Zoey.. well changes are good, but i dont relly get the feeling of play left4dead. cant wait for the 3rd. i love the games anyways!!
Some people seem to not be getting the point of the article. It’s not serious; it’s just meant to be humorous.
Yeah that’s what’s kinda funny. people are actually taking this seriously.
Any takers on a L4D4?
It is regular fake.Nobody will buy L4D2 if it will be L4D3 faster.Silly fake.I like L4D series.This is just fake.Valve are not silly,arent they?
Doesnt any one else think this is bullshit? Doesnt make sense?
This has got to be my favorite part of the whole article: “Let’s just say the A.I. Director is a lot smarter and a lot more powerful this time around. You might just find yourself fighting your way to the escape vehicle in a movie and BOOM–your Xbox reboots. That’s the A.I. director at work.” LOL> The game rewboots your Xbox at a critical juncture. Hahaha!
Um guys, I think they mean October 10th, 2010.
i agree
Haha nice joke. But, couldn’t you think of names that werent related to the Left 4 Dead character names? =P
Joey – Zoey
Francine – Francis
Louie – Louis
Phil – Bill
Hehe Joey+Phil, the ultimate shoot-em-up heroes :D
XD left for dead 2 is a lot better than the first but i kinda miss bill,francise,zoey,and louis and one more thing left for dead 2 is funner because there are different special infected and more normal zombies
It’s like when people watch “The Onion” and think it’s real, some people are just dumb.
I’m going to point out the obvious and say FFAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is’nt funny nor is it witty or creative. In my opinion it’s just utter garbage.
Wow, really?
I found it freaking hilarious. I mean I respect the guys at valve, and everything, think they’re making a bang-up game series with L4D, but this is comic genious at it’s finest, highest level :)
and if it’s so bad why post? to put your opinion through to the people that like the post and are commenting? ah well. your life :)
that was a bit harsh it is kind of funny I suppose
You are talking shit! L4D2 has come out and l4d3 hasnt even been announced!
Dont Make Me Lose My Rag!!!
Derka Derka!
I can tell you gave yourself that thumbs up.
AMEN. people like you deserve a cookie :)
ITS FAKE!!!!
HOLY CRAP!
It’s a shame I read it properly or you’d have ruined it for me.
Omg this is some funny shit! XD i laugh when people have to guess that its fake. it says right above the article “fake video game news at it’s finest” haha dumbasses
this sounds like a load of crap if u ask me
Can’t believe this post correctly predicted the coming of 2 sequels!
Now ewe just have to wait until Guitar Hero 14 Lego Jonas Sparkle Edition: MC Party Tyme!!!
i think it would be better if it had both left 4 dead and left 4 dead 2 characters together. In left 4 dead 3, it would have all the weapons from both L4D games.In the last chapter, you should show them seperating. Leave it hanging like that. Then in left 4 dead 4, put in the new characters.The last left 4 dead “final stand” as i like to call it, would have every character, every zombie, and every weapon. Then it would be amazing and more fun because the mystery of the zombies would be solved, even though the survivors would all be dead.
what that is awesome a bow and arrow i was thinking they should put that they should also put a rocket launcher and the characters names sound like the originals just revised
Left 4 Dead Is The Best Game Does Anyone Agree?
The best
Why left 4 Dead is not in PLay Station????????? They Can Make More Big Hits!!!!
Because the 360 is better. It just is.
I R NOT FANBOI.
what october all the other left 4 dead and l4d2 are in november wtf!
Hey is this a good idea or not? maybe they should have formed a group of eight where the first two novels characters should join forces to survive think about that dudes
as if its the left 4 dead 1 case
Omfg.
i hate it when ppl put fake blogs on there and get ppl who r l4d maniacs all jumped up.then it never shows up…
But,, i heard there’s gonna be a special event thing tht MITE come out in late march 2010.
tht the l4d and l4d2 characters are gonna find each other to fite the zombies.
and tht u can only be the l4d2 characters. there will be a new zombie. and i think new weapons.
and it takes place between dead center and dark carnival. holy shinpper doodles it sounds fun as hell.!! =D
it is not left 4 dead 3 it is left 4 dead2
As soon as i saw the names i knew it was fake then lol
Joey – Zoey Francine – Francis Louie – Louis Phil – Bill
It dissapointed me actually :/
left 4 dead 1 fransis and bill are cool. left 4 dead 2 that country teenager is the coolest. left 4 dead 3……..
This is going to fail.they are moving to fast,..They are basicaly useing the same survivor names Franchise(Francais) Louie(Pilz) come on valve…You cant add a few weapons and some new campaigns and really expect for everyone to be at your feet
ok wait a minute
it is 2010
left 4 dead 2 came out
i have not seen anything for a left 4 dead 3
they said that it was released in october which clearly hasnt happened
Clearly not, no. well that’s awfully strange.
Among the blatant introduction saying this’s fake and all the people in the comments saying this’s fake,
you know what? I’m STARTING to get the inkling that it’s fake.
but go ahead and ignore the hell out of everyone…
Or don’t?
read everything first, dude? It helps sometimes.
What the hell was with due 2009..it’s 2010 but I’m still hearing bout it coming out soon.
did any one remember the small time game half life? i wish valve did. I wanna see how gordon freeman saves the planet! Who know’s he may even get a jet pack this time!
Or a tamagotchi G-man :)
left 4 dead is cool but 2 is better 1 sucks in versus
i like in left 4 dead 2 the Parish its crazy in second level but i think left 4 dead 2 is cool i even played in xbox 360
my profile name is toxicvirus1230.
when is left 4 dead 3 coming out? like i played 1 and 2 i want to play 3 already am i right
Are they gonna make black zombies this time???
No. It’ll be considered racist if you kill zombies of African descent. Any other ethnicity on the planet is ok. Just no blacks.
No you can’t kill anybody but white people because if `you do, ITS RACIST!!! lolz
the next left 4 dead you should et to kill the infected president (not obama, wink wink)
how is it rasist cause there is not just white people in the world there is black people too>=^(
Oh my god, I hope that they will make a fucking crazy game!
but I miss the first four characters and especially Zoey and Louis…
Damn… when will we play with them again??!!
But congratulation for those 2 games.
bow&arrow burper fucking awesome
i hope its like halo where you get frag grenades=Dlmfao
they should have alredy anounced that l4d3 was coming out
Ijust dont get why they would trade a sniper rifle for a bow&arrow cause you have to reload every one shot and it does not have a scope unless it is a crossbow=\
Unless the story line was like Res evil in which 2 was 3 or vice versa…. its all mental really
i know right =
well the zombies in l4d1and2 dont have weapons only fists(besids special infected
im starting to get really fuckin pissed off cause i want l4d3 cause it sounds fuckin awesome and i have and beat left 4 dead 1&2
YOU HEAR THAT VALVE MAKE A FUCKIN L4D3 OR I WILL COME OVER THERE AND SHOOT YOU ALL WITH A AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN={
sorry im just really mad=`
is there going 2 b a left 4 d 3
Why not half life episode 4 or even left 4 dead: counter strike?
This might sound crasy that i never heard of half life=/
FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK IT ISNT COMIN OUT>=(
it isn’t coming out for gods sake, i am writing this in 2010 and it still hasn’t come out,it says there clearly that it comes out in 2009 and it didn’t, that really disappointed me greatly D:
Okay, here is what I think, in L4D3,if they make one, there should be Zombie Children. And there name are Orphans. they can run SUPER fast and, they can alert other hordes by crying. There should also be a Poisoner, it jumps on your head a injects a poison into you, to where you have to find an antidote, you will have like a minute to live. A Bomber it is basically a suicidal zombie.
Hellz yea…that would be fuckin awesome!
cant believe l4d3 is coming up 2010
l4d1&2&3+me=happiness<=)
there should be an infected called the drunker that looks like a normal infected but with a hat and long gray hair[just like a normal drunk dude] but he has beer bottle filled with acid in his hand and if he throws it at a survivor and it hits it instantly incapacitated that survivor but it only has one acid bottle. Bad news is that the acid attracts a horde to the survivor who got hit with it. It has 150 health and is known as a playable special infected and is like the spitter hope they put it the game<=)
what do yall think about the drunker↑↑↑↑↑↑↑(the comment from me above this comment)
omgzzz……..that would be awesome!!!! comment on mine
i see i think that would be halarious man there should be pregnant infected that hit you with there infected babies
thanks dude i just randomly thought of one where is yours
and the their water breaks out of nowhere<=-^D
can i just call you gavin
sure..xDDDD can i call u kitty xD
NO you can call me kitkat<=^)
xDDDD kk kitkat
do you think the sniper or bow & arrow is better
yea that too
bow and arrow or sniper
ohh xD srry bow and arrow
ME TOO I LOVE THE BOW & ARROW better if crossbows<=^)(what does xDDDDDD MEAN<=^/
i wonder how they will put a laser or flashlight on the bow&arrow[if they even make the game]>:^(
Yea me too xDDD is like a fase……
it looks like a the face is laughing its ass off or a dead face anyways whats your 2 fav guns in l4d2 mine is the COMBAT SHOTGUN and COMBAT RIFLE
Mine are the auto shot gun and the KATANA!!!
the KATANA is a melee weapon not a gun but i will count it WHAT IS YOUR 2 FAV MELEE WEAPONS MINE ARE THE CHAINSAW AND THE AXE
KATANA and GUITAR!!!!
I cannot belive BILL DIES IN L4D2 THE PASSING i saw a youtube video that shown ellis and the others meeting with zoey and the other two then ellis goes to bills resting place aka his body and a spitter spit acid on his body then ellis took his assult rifle and ran to get gas cans for the genorator
dude whats wrong why you not replying
srry i haveny checked my e-mail in a while
its fine xDDDD dude who is your 2 fav character2 zoey bill francis louis ellis rochelle coach or nick mine is bill and ellis
Ummmm lets seeee my favorite characters are Ellis and Franics P:
i dont like francis cause he hates everything and he thinks he is all bad the only reason i like him is cauze he loves the shotguns
Hey that is why i like him to P: what r ur favorite infected (playable) mine r the hunter and charger
mine are the tank and the hunter hey did you know there is a glitch where you get to play as the witch
xbox or PC?? omg rrly what
xbox360 to activate the glich you just got to spawn as a normal special infected and go somewere you cant get shot and crouch down and it is voice activated so make witch moans and look at the floor and your the witch
Do you have a video link??? cuz i dont get it xDD
i am so sorry i dont cause i have been talking to on a dsi cause i dont have a computer but i have dsi browser srry<=^)
just go to youtube and type in how to play as the witch
kk P: what do u think bout the dsi xl
i think its awesome
xD rrly nice ugh i cant find it :\
you cant find it but DUDE YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS do you know what the screamer is
yea i do P:…grr….i am trying to download L4D2 for the PC because i lost mine xD…..do you have it for PC??
no i messed up mine too but go to youtube and type in l4d real screamer sounder and click the first one dude it is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZY
i spelled sounder wrong its really sounds
o.O omg….
crazy aint it
hey whats your real name
Austin wbu?
mine is cody
reply please<=^)=
its cool their putting bows and arrows but there is no fucking sense or way how they should take the sniper rifle
cause the sniper sucks and there is no point of having both so they take the sniper that acually makes some sense[other that almost the same names
joey=zoey
francine=francis
phil=bill
louie=louis
zD srry dude so you got xbox live??
zDDD yea
no but i really want it
In Left 4 Dead 3, it should take place in Alaska. Why? so it would be more challengeing
because you would also look after your health so you dont die of hypothermia, or something like that.
nice nice ugh i am bored
well im going to six flags so im not going to reply for a couple hours so reply later austin bye
kk have fun P:
waz up austin im back
DUDE REPLY YOU HAVE NOT REPLYED SINCE JUNE10TH >=^(
omg….isa srry, I haven’t been on the computer, i got grounded T^T
oh i thought you moved away to somewhere where you have no internet sorry i yelled i just now looked cause i look every day hey do have a iscribble.net account
Nopes
go to iscribble.net and click start drawing the go down and you should see a little slot you can make one then put me as a friend. my account is CHEIFdragon
Mkayz
what is your username on iscribble.net mine is CHEIFdragon
dude i am very sad that bill dies in l4d2 the passing cause he blead too death by a tank but the bright side BILL SHOT THE TANK 250 TIMES IN THE HEAD WITH HIS M16 ASSUALT RIFLE<=^(
wow, Valve is just such a awesome corporation! :D. This is just to tease us a bit :D. I’m almost 100% shure that they will make a new L4D :D
it would be more awesome if you could be one of the midnight riders.
yea hahaha
hey austin do you have a facebook profile please reply
this is pretty funny
whats funny
i want to play this game now!
hey does anyone know what day in november left 4 dead ecause my b day is 3 comes out because my b day is november 7th so i really want it for my birthda
dude IT ALLREADY CAME OUT REATARD>=^p
well you know its pretty obvious there WILL be a left4dead3. well because in left4dead1 the survivors got on the evac truck but was takin somewhere very opposite to a safe place. shown in the new comic on l4d.com. and ended up in the passing after escaping somehow… still unknown… but same thing will probably happen in l4d2 they got to a rescue vehicle that may or may not take them to rescue. either their going to run out of fuel or land somewhere like the original survivors ended up and have to excape and the next group of survivors will take their place in the next horror game. left4dead3.
well in l4d2 theres the new map called the passing and l4d2 characters met up with l4d1 char (phil is dead) and well at the end of it they get away and the l4d1 char stay there (bet ya they die) and theres going to be a new campaign on l4d1 hopefully with melee weapons(wen l4d3 coming out in oz)
I love the jokes about games being released before they are thought of just like modern warfare 3 that’s funny I found it slightly funny good job but I so want left for dead ever since getting left for dead 2 and reading the l4d comic I so now love left for dead
i just request new common infected and special infected and all characters from L4D and L4D2 are playable….(if u like this comment then be it and if not ignore it)…im just saying my thoughts ya know….
i have two ideas for l4d3 1: you could make it a longer campaign 2: you could give characters special abilitys 3: you could have armor like a bullet proof vest or something
YAY new L4D! i was actually hoping for the return of the L4D2 characters and heck L4D too! but a BOW AND ARROW EPIC!! i cant wait for the release! but i hope it has more story line in the game. i always wonder where they go after the helicopter.
I realize it’s a joke, however, Valve should’ve called L4D2 for Left 2 Die. That would’ve been so much better. :D
that bull crap joey francin phil louie ring a bell (zoey francis louis bill)
They really should make a left 4 dead 3 and also a left 4 dead movies cause that would be cool :)(it was kinda mean making all this stuff up about but all is forgiven)
well it’s august 30th 2011, and i noticed something, NO left 4 dead 3 yet. how strange…~_~
have yall realized that it isnt coming out so just stfu and stop sayin ” this would be cool if this happend” cuz it isnt so stfu