New Year’s Resolutions for Gamers

New Year's Resolutions for Gamers

As I do every year, I recently set aside a few hours to compose my customary New Year’s resolutions list. It took me but a few seconds to write GET MORE PENIS so after sitting with my thumb up my ass for a while (don’t knock it ’til you try it), I realized I had enough time to draft some New Year’s resolutions for you, the average gamer, as well. Yes I know, I’m so incredibly kind, which is why I didn’t bother writing that one down. So off we go to yours!


Stop being a video game snob
I think it’s really great that you like completely random titles from other countries that nobody has ever heard of. Seriously, I do. But quit thinking it makes you a better person than I am. I may not play games that have subtitles or have anything in my collection that has sold less than ten copies total but that does not make me inferior to you. Do you know why? Because they’re all fucking video games. So what if I’m obsessed with Master Chief and you’re an expert at all things JRPG? We both waste our time maneuvering pixels around a screen, yours just happen to move a little bit differently. Probably because they’re highfalutin, bitchy ass douchebags like you.



Stop being a console fanboy
The Xbox 360 is the best console hands down because of its extensive library; plus it doubles as a space heater! But the PlayStation 3 has the best graphics ever and also provides an instant Blue-ray player! And don’t forget the Nintendo Wii is so user friendly that even your baby’s momma’s fetus that hasn’t developed fingers yet can use it! Every single console has advantages and disadvantages, positives and negatives, good things and bad. Until they grow penises and we can actually compare sizes, quit acting like one of them can clean your house, make you a sandwich, and suck your dick all at the same time because you know what? Only your mom is capable of such feats which you would realize if you called home every once in a while, you fucking ungrateful bastard you.



Stop thinking your stats mean something
I see your gamerscore is over 50,000, I see you have lots of little platinum trophies, and I see you have the 117th highest number of headshots in your favorite game. But I also see you’re a complete and total asshole who thinks your video game accomplishments actually mean something in real life. The fact of the matter is those things don’t get you a better job (unless you’re a video game tester), they don’t get you the girl (unless they’re a video game tester), and they don’t make your genitals bigger (unless it’s your video game character). So by all means be proud of your gaming accomplishments but also recognize an asshole by any other name still smells like shit and unfortunately for you, there’s only two girls who like that and they both happen to be taken. By a cup of all things.

68 Responses to New Year’s Resolutions for Gamers

  1. TheChrisD says:

    There is one very easy solution to stopping yourself from being a console fanboy:

    Get a PC.

    • HSAR says:

      That, my friend, is the one thing I would want to rage about. Nobody cares about the PC anymore.

      • TheChrisD says:

        Exactly the sort of thing a console fanboy tends to say. I used to preach about the 360 being the best for gaming – then I got my gaming PC, and now I consider them equals.

        • I’m with that. I much prefer PC games. Games on my PC have better graphics than my xbox, I have much more memory space, and I like mods. :P I WANTED to get Mass Effect 2 for the PC, but all my save files and characters are on my xbox. Bah.

        • L337MA573R says:

          I think both have massive advantages. Playing my favorite titles from a Comfortable Seat with Surround sound with a controller on a huge TV is nothing short of fucking amazing, but playing with more accurate controls on a PC with better graphics and mod support is pretty damn awesome as well.

          The thing about the Xbox 360 is that once you get past the TV cost, it’s actually cheaper than PC gaming. I’ve had a 360 for 2 1/2 years before it broke and then I got a new one for free. Believe it or not, the RROD helped me. By forcing M$ to extend the warranty for such a blatant flaw, my life was made easier. When my Xephry finally broke down from a disk drive fault, I just cooked it to death. Problem Solved!

          With PC’s if you really want to get the most out of your games, you have to upgrade your RAM to process everything, get a fancy video card to run the stuff, etc. And the more you hook on to it, the bigger the cooling system you need. A 360 works right out of the box, and will play every 360 game you put inside it (lol) to its full potential. Plus, game updates are barely noticeable (wah, I had to wait a few seconds) and installation is non-existent, even if it means constantly switching disks.

          Plus, I just find the gamepad much more comfortable. Able to sit any way I want, and not stretch my fingers over the keyboard (PC aiming may be more precise, but console walking is much more precise) makes the gamepad much more comfortable for me. Plus, it’s what I grew up with, so I’m just more familiar with it. Often times, when I’m playing a crazy multi-height vertical-based PC shooter, I switch my M/K for a 360 controller. I get to sit back and relax more, and I still seem to do plenty fine.

          Of course, the PC has some things that the 360 may never have. Like full mod support. And machine customization. But really, it’s like comparing the PC to a Mac. One has support for tons of 3rd party stuff, as just about every part except the operating system is 3rd party, which allows more freedom but also means stuff tends to work better.

          The other one has white as its iconic color, and has almost everything made by its developer. This means less freedom, but everything is guaranteed 100% compatible and and works right.

          I could go on all day about this, but I won’t for bs_angel’s sake. Like she said, every system has its strengths and weaknesses. The 360’s just seem to be better tailored for me. (ABXY FTW! Remember the ‘Cast!)

        • That Geek says:

          Five words L337MA573R; Too long, did not read.
          I’m not awake yet. Don’t excpect miracles.

      • PikminGod says:

        i would agree with you if it weren’t for blizzard….i dream about the day when the hardest decision i will have to make that day is whether to play Starcraft 2 or Diablo 3

        • Why not both? :D

        • TheChrisD says:

          There are other decent game developers out there y’know. But at least you’ve chosen the better games from Blizz, and not the real facepalm of a game…

      • Socket says:

        I care about PC. In fact, I’m saving up for a nice new compy right now. Since games tend to be cheaper on PC, I think I might save money in the long run.
        Maybe I’ll eve completely switch over and not use my 360 anymore.

    • Glasses Guy says:

      Video game console’s are just limited PC’s. I’m with TheChris, get a PC.

      • Das Kalk says:

        The reason consoles exist is because people who are less serious about gaming don’t want to upgrade their system every 2 years. I also think it’s kind if funny how you guys are doing exactly what she was complaining about in the article lol.

        • HSAR says:

          We aren’t PC fanboys, we are complaining that she’s a console fanboy herself in that she doesn’t even mention a PC, anywhere in the article. Not a specific one, mind, but she does make out that she prefers consoles to PCs.

        • I haven’t upgraded my computer in years, and it plays everything (everything I actually play) just fine. Oblivion for instance. Everything turned up. Runs great. I see your point though, I know some people who get the top-of-the-line parts every time they come out.

        • bs angel says:

          HSAR, your comment is tempting me to write an entire article about the douchebagginess of PC fanboys and their tendency to draw conclusions based off of absolutely nothing. I’ll be sure to give you inspiration credit if I do. ;)

        • Connor Lonske says:

          Angel, your comment is correct, but you forgot to add that console fan boys can do the same thing, and they often do.. With all dew respect.

        • bs angel says:

          That’s already in the article though. Unless you think I should elaborate upon it more, … which I would of course be happy to do!

        • suicidalkanoka says:

          Q0B, If they truly want the best hardware, why aren’t they developing it themselves? They could earn money instead of spending it.

          (Yes, I know the best students finishing college generally can only design the equivalent of two or three generation old chips (in terms of capabilities).)

          Also, you admitted there are games that don’t run properly for you, and that you therefore simply don’t play them. Nothing wrong with that, but the machine still doesn’t work with everything.

        • @ Suicidalkanoka

          They don’t create hardware because that’s not what they do… I don’t understand what you’re trying to say there. I was just agreeing that new parts come out pretty frequently because technology moves forward so quickly.

          I also never said they don’t run “properly.” They just don’t play at their highest settings ( whether or not you can consider that “proper” is up for debate I guess). Crysis for example. I have no interest in that game at all, but from what I’ve heard, I’d have to tone down the graphics settings so things don’t get too choppy in the middle of a firefight. I wonder how they even managed to create that game sometimes, when it melted everyone’s systems. XD

          Every console, whether it be Wii, 360, PS3, or PC, has ups and downs. I am lucky enough to have access to all of those, and while the 360 and PC appeal to me the most because of the game selections, I understand the merits of the other systems. I favor the PC more over the 360 in many cases because my PC happens to be more powerful than my 360, and I like the ability to mod games like Dragon Age and Oblivion. But I like the interaction that the 360 provides, because I have a handful of real-life friends that I can stay in touch with and play with over Live. The Wii can be a fun party console, and the PS3 is not a bad system, but the game selection just doesn’t appeal to me enough.

          Bah. /rant.

      • xxxJL AUDIOxxx says:

        I use my pc for what it was made for, two things, and two things only… checking up on and searching for asian-lesbian-midget-snuff-porn……

    • Downandout says:

      if i had to really choose to suffer one type, Console Fanboys > PC Elitists.

      • Hey now, we’re not elitists. I wouldn’t trade any of my consoles away (except the sega Genesis but that wasn’t my choice. I loved that thing dearly). Everything has it’s ups and downs.

    • Connor Lonske says:

      Everyone is wrong on this, no console is the best, including the PC, or even the Mac. That cause you need a unanimous vote for something to be the best, and having everyone think the same would mean no individuality.

      You can say you PC or Xbox is your favorite if you want, just don’t tell other people your wrong for having your own opinions.

      (And on I side note I think PC and Xbox are tied as my favorite.)

      • Glasses Guy says:

        Oh my god, we are all arguing over video games. Again. Let’s just say the PC is way better for looking up Porn than the 360, Wii, and PS3 and call it quits.

        • Connor Lonske says:

          Funny, but I am sure you can get sexy pron on the PS3 internet viewer. ;)

    • Connor Lonske says:

      I like how most of the people replying with post are pro PC or think both xboxs and PCs are equal, and most people pro xbox are giving thumps up/down unless they have a custom picture,and yes, my name is- *Drum Roll* Captain Obvious!

      And HSAR, tell that to the Steam community, which has and average of 10 million of it’s over 20 million users that no ne cares about the PC anymore. Maybe your could tell that to the Blizzard community, including it’s over 10 million users if PC gaming is dead. It is obviously you who does not care about PC gaming, which you have all the right to do, just don’t say that every one else in the gaming world does.

  2. Assassin says:

    “It took me but a few seconds to write GET MORE PENIS so after sitting with my thumb up my ass for a while (don’t knock it ’til you try it)”

    LMAO! God that’s so hot! You kick so much ass!

  3. Cat says:

    Great post!

  4. Mr Meyagi says:

    “have i told you lately that i love you” angel…you continue to kick lots of ass!

    • i’d have to agree with meyagi on this point <3

  5. ChaosTool8 says:

    Lucky cup!!!!….wait

    • IcyTreats says:

      Exactly what I thought.

      • t0rm3n7 says:

        What has been seen, cannot be unseen….

        *wishes gouging out his eyes would help*

        • Glasses Guy says:


  6. Jillybean says:

    Dude I’m so excited I have a 360 for my flat now because my heating bills will halve

    • Glasses Guy says:

      Doesn’t the red lights on it bug you while your trying to sleep?

  7. I guess the meaning of life isn’t gamerscore then. Doh! ;)

  8. smurph says:

    i’ve got one more… if you don’t know how to communicate like a considerate human being, turn off your fucking mic.

    very nice angel!

  9. Aw Angel, you shouldn’t have. Really.

    I kid, I kid. Another laugh-out-loud post.

  10. liphttam1 says:

    Verry….. Er…. raunchy.

  11. PikminGod says:

    I don’t want to stop being a video game snob…. I’m better and cooler than most people because i have beaten Cubivore. I was King of the Cubivores DAMNIT!! I ate so much meat that no one could stop me!

  12. Mizzy says:

    What a great read to start the new year!

  13. ReverendTiki says:

    whadda you mean my xbox doesn’t give bj’s? i guess that explains the pain. let me guess, the controllers vibration isn’t meant for pleasure either :(

    I’m so confused!

    • bs angel says:

      Oops, apparently I’m using my controllers wrong!

      • ReverendTiki says:

        i guess this explains my poor kill/death ratio

  14. Angel….do you need a hug? =)

    • bs angel says:


      • Jim 028 says:


  15. ComaToast says:

    Why should I stop talking trash about my achievements? That generally means I ejaculate faster than all other people, because I’m better at Halo, so I have to make up for it by giving myself a bigger ego online. I’m just kidding. Good article. Wish we had more people like BS to make articles :(.

  16. NartFOpc says:

    Wait, so I can’t be proud of performing well in a game without being an asshole?

    • bs angel says:

      There’s a big difference between being good at a video game and having an inflated ego because of it. Arrogance is a turn-off, regardless of its source.

  17. illocon says:

    Ahhh, the infinite grind cheat on Tony Hawk skater on the PS2. The way to gain some vibration when the rabbit died.

    or, um, so a friend told me.

    • Felipe 058 says:

      Or you could just hop in a ‘Hog turret and tape the trigger down…or so I’ve been told.

      • bs angel says:

        I call blocking the Halo 2 teleporters!

        • Atlas says:

          I’m sure that Sony and Microsoft would be very happy that their customers take PLEASURE in using their controllers.

        • L337MA573R says:

          Halo 2’s Spectre turret has a pretty fast rate of fire…

    • Glasses Guy says:

      What about the Wii-mote? It looks like a penis. Hmm, we should attack this subject on the forum.

    • illocon says:

      oh, and i could give you 12″ of penis; i’d just have to come by your house 6 times.


      • bs angel says:

        Lucky for you my house is always open. Let the visits begin!

        • illocon says:

          ding and, quite literally, dong!

  18. Drake says:

    Preaching to the choir, sister. lol

    Great article, angel.

  19. Marksman says:

    Wow, I could hardly read anything from all the dick and Mum references. But the best mum joke of all lies in the end of the “Console Fanboy” topic. Nice, Angel, nice.

    My Gamer’s NYR:
    Play more. 2+ hours a day ISN’T ENOUGH COMMITMENT. BAH!

  20. I think you opened up one hell of a can of worms with this one, just looking at the comments XD.

    • bs angel says:

      Yeah, but the discussion is civilized which is a lot better than what you get elsewhere so it’s all good in my book. :)

  21. ruchador says:

    Were there any resolutions stated which weren’t instantly broken in these very comments? Yikes!

    • Marksman says:

      I agree. i hate the Fanboyism, and Angel mentioning it provoked it. Oh well, just is the Interwebz.

  22. lucy loo says:

    woo hoo – happy new year everyone


  23. SpaceGhost2K says:

    I just wanted to let Angel know that I have a penis and TWO thumbs.

    I THINK I got that straight.

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