The Katonian Press: Pandora Tourism Bureau Enlists Madonna To Attract Settlers

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Pandora Tourism Bureau Enlists Madonna To Attract Settlers

Borderlands MadonnaNew Haven – In an attempt to spark interest in the desolate, barren world of Pandora, the local Tourism Bureau has enlisted pop diva Madonna as the spokeswoman for a new series of advertisements.  The campaign, which goes by the tagline: “The Borderlands: Come For The Vault, Stay For The Sniper Rifles That Shoot Acid”, was overseen by the mayor of New Haven, Helena Pierce, and features a reimagining of the classic Madonna hit “Borderline”.

“We really needed some star power behind us,” said Pierce.  “Someone who could help us show that Pandora is more than just a wretched Hell-hole full of dangerous creatures and disturbed social outcasts.” Scoring a celebrity as big as Madonna would seem nearly impossible for a small and disorganized settlement like Pandora but Pierce says it was no problem booking the Queen of Pop.  “We just promised her she could adopt one of our ‘adorable’ Midget Psychos and she was on board.”

The ad, which began airing a few weeks ago, features Madonna caught between two worlds and two loves.  She is seen cavorting with Bandits and their leader Nine Toes but is swept away from her “roots” by the promise of fame and fortune with the help of entrepreneur Marcus Kincaid.  She also breakdances with some Claptraps.  A transcript of the lyrics follows:

Something on this planet seems to be a mystery
There’s a vault that’s full of weapons, so hey, why don’t you take a peak?

If you wanna play the part, Fyrestone’s a start,
You can take the bus to town
There’s a Claptrap who will show where you need to go
Maybe bring some extra rounds.

Please, try to bring some friends (bring some friends), we’ll give them lots to spend:
Open anything that’s green.

Borderlands, shoot up the place–we don’t really mind
So just keep on killing those Skags out in the Borderlands
Borderlands, watch out for Psychos–they’ve lost their minds
And just keep on killing those Rakks out in the Borderlands (Borderlands)

[Claptrap Breakdown]

People might not understand just what it is you see
So let’s keep this Angel Guardian stuff between you and me

So wander out of town, take a look around
Never know what might be found
You can drive a little ways, maybe meet T.K.
And he’ll ask, do you Got Grenades?

Please, try to bring some friends (lots of friends), we’ll give them all we can:
Extra weapon drops for free.

Borderlands, shoot up the place–we don’t really mind
So just keep on killing those Skags out in the Borderlands
Borderlands, watch out for Psychos–they’ve lost their minds
And just keep on killing those Rakks out in the Borderlands (Borderlands)

Not everyone likes the new campaign, however.  A radical activist group known as PETS (Pandorans for the Ethical Treatment of Skags) has protested, claiming that it encourages violence against the native residents of the planet.

“This type of propaganda is unacceptable and promotes blind capitalism over the rights of native fauna,” yelled a PETS spokesperson at a rally outside the gates of Fyrestone.  “PETS is outraged and cannot condone anything that characterizes these beautiful, majestic animals as killers and beasts.  We love Skags, as we love all of Pandora’s creatures.  And we won’t stop protesting until this disgusting ad campaign is shut down.”

Moments later a pack of Skags surrounded the spokesman, belched acid and fire upon him, and then tore him to shreds, devouring his body parts whole.  The protest quickly dispersed.

Madonna plans to release the song as a single, donating the money to a Pandoran charity devoted to find a cure for P.T.A.S: Psycho Tiny Arm Syndrome.

kato
witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
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10 Responses to The Katonian Press: Pandora Tourism Bureau Enlists Madonna To Attract Settlers

  1. DethPwn says:

    I didn’t laugh out loud, but I accredit this largely to my lack of knowledge surrounding the game. It still made me grin like a friggin’ psycho, so good work Kato!

    • Kato says:

      This article really hinged on both owning the game and being old enough to remember the song. So thanks for reading it through nonetheless. :)

      • DethPwn says:

        I remember the song, though!

  2. Xerone says:

    I’ll donate to P.T.A.S. I feel their “outcast” status among the rest of humanity may have pushed them towards becoming psycho bandits.

    • Kato says:

      Plus it’s hard to defend yourself against a hungry Skag when you’ve got a gimpy little arm that can’t hold a shotgun.

  3. pittofdoom says:

    Man, I really wish I had this game.

    • Kato says:

      I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty fun (though even more so when played co-op with friends).

  4. L337MA573R says:

    Is this an attempt to get the song out of your head?
    Wasn’t bad, but just wasn’t quite as good as your past articles. The part about the protester getting eaten was pretty good, though.

    • Kato says:

      It’s definitely an attempt to get the song out of my head as it has been rattling around up there for awhile.

  5. ashame says:

    Pandorans for the Ethical Treatment of Skags? LOL! Man I love this game. Getting to level 50 is a pain though :S

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