The Katonian Press: After Weekend Arkham Asylum Bender, Area Man Thinks He’s Batman

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After Weekend Arkham Asylum Bender, Area Man Thinks He’s Batman

batman: arkham asylumTwinsburg, Ohio – Friday afternoon, Twinsburg resident and video gaming enthusiast Tony Richmond stopped by his local Best Buy and picked up a copy of the latest comic-book-inspired title, Batman: Arkham Asylum.  Friends say he had “heard it was really good” and “wanted to check it out this weekend.”  Co-workers didn’t notice anything unusual about his behavior, he just seemed to be “glad it was Friday.”

Live-in girlfriend Kate recalls that he started playing shortly after coming home from work.  “He didn’t waste any time putting the disc in and checking it out.  He was using his teeth to rip off the plastic as he walked in the door–I barely got a kiss hello!”  From that point on, Kate says that her boyfriend hardly left the couch for the rest of the weekend.  “He got up a couple of times to pee–usually after he had died in-game or something–sprinting across the house to the bathroom and then back.  I don’t think he closed the door once!”  Apparently this wasn’t too unusual, however.  Tony loves his games and friends and family have confirmed that they don’t even bother trying to contact him when a new one comes out.

“I didn’t think this time was any different,” says Kate, with a sigh. “I sat down with him and watched him play for a bit.  He was engrossed.  Five minutes in or so he turned to me and narrowed his eyes, saying ‘I’m BATMAN’, in that gravelly kinda way–you know what I mean.  I laughed, it was cute.  He kept doing it, though, regularly throughout the night.  Got old after awhile so I ignored him.”

Kate thinks her boyfriend must have played straight through until Sunday night.  “Late Sunday I think he finally crashed out.  His eyes were closed and he was snoring on the couch.  I covered him with a blanket and kissed him goodnight. That’s when I found the map.”  Sitting on the coffee table in front of him was a hand drawn map of their house, marked in several places.  “There was a note nearby, and a pile construction paper cut-outs in the shape of question marks.  The note asked me to hide them around the house according to the map.  Some weird places, too, like the fridge, and the toilet tank.  I thought it was pretty strange, but I figured maybe he was setting up a scavenger hunt for our nephews or something.”

Kate knew there might be a problem when she returned home from work Monday night.  “When I came home the house was a wreck, like someone had hosted a fight club in the living room.  I guess Tony never went in to work.  When I called for him, he stood up from behind some furniture where he had apparently been hiding.  He growled ‘I’m BATMAN!’ and I just looked at him.  I started laughing–he looked ridiculous.  He was dressed in too-tight gray sweats leftover from his college days.  He had a beach towel around his neck and was wearing a luchador mask on his head that he had taped some homemade ‘bat’ ears to.”

Apparently the laughing must have set off something in her boyfriend, as Tony dashed from the room.  “I followed him and tried to ask him what he was doing.  He ran over to the vent cover for our heater and started trying to pry it off with his fingers.  He muttered something about ‘escaping through the ventilation ducts.’  I guess I should have been more concerned, but it was pretty comical.  I mean, it’s not like he’s terribly strong.  He works in IT.”

katonian pressKate says that’s when he attacked her.  “He had a toolbelt around his waist and he pulled something from one of the pockets.  He turned around and whipped them at me.  I flinched but they just bounced off.  They were dish sponges he had cut in the shape of bats.  ‘Batarangs’ I think you call them.  Now I was starting to get annoyed.”  It was at this point that Tony pulled out another weapon from his “utility belt”.

“He had our caulking gun on his toolbelt,” she explains.  “He pulled it out and started getting caulk all over the floor.  Wanna know what he was drawing on our expensive tile?  A bat.  A goddamn bat.”  Kate grew angry and snatched the tool from his hands.  “He kept looking at me and then down at the crudely drawn caulk-bat on the floor, like he expected something to happen.  I told him to stop acting like a lunatic.”

Tony apparently fled to the garage.  Frustrated, Kate began cleaning up the mess her boyfriend had left.  Soon she heard noises on the roof–scratches, and the clinking of metal.

“I ran outside to see what kind of trouble he was making out there.  That’s when I saw him swinging something around his head.  He had taken one of my gardening hoes and tied a rope around it.  He was using it like–like some kind of grappling hook–and trying to catch it on our chimney.  Bits of brick were flaking off.  I was incensed.  I was like, ‘What the hell, Tony?!’

Tony apparently managed to hook his homemade grapple and started to scale the couple’s home.  “He glared back at me and said something that finally put me over the edge: ‘I don’t have time for this, Harley!’  Oh, I was so angry.  I told him I was going inside right now to take that stupid game of his back to the store.  No sooner had a I stormed off when I heard the thud.”

Tony Richmond was admitted to the hospital with a broken arm and a mild concussion.  He fell to the ground while trying to “zip line” from the roof of his house by way of his phone cable.  EMTs on the scene reported that the only thing he managed to utter before passing out was a plaintive, “But… I’m BATMAN.”

Eidos Interactive could not be reached for comment.

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13 Responses to The Katonian Press: After Weekend Arkham Asylum Bender, Area Man Thinks He’s Batman

  1. LordOsiris says:

    Lol-hope you got that cleaned up in time so it didnt stain.

  2. Underc0ver Duck says:

    Five minutes in or so he turned to me and narrowed his eyes, saying ‘I’m BATMAN’.

    Lol, that was my favourite line from it me laugh really hard.

    Love your work man, keep it up.

  3. DethPwn says:

    Lol! I think everyone went through this in the demo alone! Great work Kato!

  4. Don A K Bab says:

    Love it, she should be glad Assassins Creed 2 isn’t out yet or someone could’ve really been hurt.

  5. DeepCee says:

    Can’t….stop..laughing :D
    *rolls on floor*

  6. StuntDouble2483 says:

    Caulk bat…lol

  7. Pingback: Asylum Admission « Squinted Vision…

  8. Poopie McGhee says:

    Great job kato… i think when i finally pick Batman up, i’ll probably go through a similar mental Batman-ness

  9. LastQuarian says:

    Bahaha! Oh my god I think my stomach just burst. Weird thing is, my friend had been saying that ever since he picked up that game. Otherwise he behaves normal. Subliminal message?

    I’m kinda confused about that last sentence: “Eidos Interactive could not be reached for comment.” I don’t recognize them as being involved in the development of Arkham Asylum.

    • MerryDragon says:

      Well, Eidos’ name is on the box cover…

  10. L337MA573R says:

    “He kept looking at me and then down at the crudely drawn caulk-bat on the floor, like he expected something to happen.”

    This made my day.

    • L337MA573R says:

      Damnit, where’s the edit button? And why doesn’t html work?

      • bs angel says:

        I am your edit button! And basic html does work. For italics, you want to use an “em” tag. :)

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