The Katonian Press: Unable To Travel To Seattle, Ohio Man Creates “PAX Midwest”

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Unable To Travel To Seattle, Ohio Man Creates “PAX Midwest”

pax midwestAkron, Ohio – Frustrated by his inability yet again to travel to Seattle to attend one of gaming’s biggest and best conventions, the Penny Arcade Expo (PAX), area man Stanley Hewitt decided to host his own.  Held last weekend in his sprawling 1,200 sq. ft. ranch-style home, Hewitt dubbed it “PAX Midwest”, and described it to recipients of his evite as “All the fun and excitement of PAX, but without the annoying distraction of booth bimbos and flashy exhibits!”

When asked what inspired him to take on the arduous task of organizing a convention, Hewitt explained: “Well, I really wanted to go to PAX, but those idiots decided to hold it in Seattle again.  Like anybody is going to stand in the rain just to waggle a Wii-mote or watch them draw comics about wangs.  So, when I saw all those dumb posts on Twitter and Facebook about how great it was going to be, I couldn’t stand it, and started my own, better, convention.” He says that his “PAX” stands for “Pretty Awesome Expo”

Hewitt pulled out all the stops in converting his home into a mecca for gaming enthusiasts, decorating the domicile with gaming memorabilia including a creased cardboard cutout of Sonic the Hedgehog (rescued from the dumpster behind the former Electronics Boutique) and posters for various games such as the 1989 Sierra title Conquest of Camelot.  Catering came courtesy of Chef Boyardee.

The nascent expo started the festivities off with a bang, hosting a panel on game developer Bungie’s hotly anticipated title Halo 3: ODST.  Bungie was apparently unable to staff the event (Hewitt suggested they were likely too busy “Nerfing all the good weapons and adding shield-doors everywhere” to attend) so the entrepreneurial host took the stage in their stead.  Hewitt acted out the panel using puppets, including one he named ODSTeve, that he insisted, more than once, he “totally did not rip off from some webcomic!”  The panel consisted mostly of a long, rambling diatribe about the impending ubiquity and devaluation of Halo‘s “Recon Armor”, interspersed with action figure imaginings of scenes from the upcoming game’s story, including a reportedly uncomfortable love scene between the character “Dare” and player surrogate “The Rookie”.  It culminated in a heated discussion over the exclusion of Halo’s “Battle Rifle”, ending abruptly with Hewitt throwing a puppet at an attendee and storming off.

Throughout the Expo, invitees were treated to the full convention experience. At a card table in his living room, the host himself signed autographs and pored over a printout of the Gamestop release dates list discussing which upcoming games were going to be awesome and which ones would totally suck. Music was provided by his MP3 collection on shuffle, with special mid-day live performances featuring Hewitt belting out Journey at the top of his lungs, including a particularly soulful and reportedly off-key rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing”.  And what would a convention be without swag?  One lucky gamer came away with a half-eaten Slim Jim, a complimentary “Testicular Cancer Self-Exam” pamphlet courtesy of The Cleveland Clinic, and an expired one month free Xbox Live subscription card originally packaged with the game MechAssault.  Attendees were even encouraged to cosplay as their favorite game characters, but nothing too sexy, as his wife was coming home around 5:00.

Festivities culminated in a PAX-inspired gaming triathlon dubbed “The Omicronathon” which tested gamers’ mettle in a variety of different challenges.  The inaugural playlist consisted of whatever game was still in his Xbox, a semi-working Atari 2600 with Pong and Combat! (though the round paddle only worked in one direction), and Laser Tag (“no hiding, no jumping!”) in the back yard.  In the end, Hewitt declared himself the winner, deciding that none of the other contestants had performed admirably enough to earn the grand prize: a free car wash at the local Wheely Clean.  Already looking ahead to next year, the event organizer envisions Omicronauts playing Cornhole, as soon as his buddy gets done making the set he totally promised he’d make him like three years ago.

When the gaming extravaganza had finally come to an end, organizer Stanley Hewitt appeared worn down, perhaps even a bit under the weather, but happy.  “PAX Midwest was clearly a huge success,” he remarked, coughing spastically into his hands between farewell handshakes to his event’s attendees.  “I just hope everyone goes home with a little something to remember this by.”

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20 Responses to The Katonian Press: Unable To Travel To Seattle, Ohio Man Creates “PAX Midwest”

  1. Lol i was looking at the picture and underneath the PA it says: pretty awesome expo.

    • and then i read they post and it said that… i am truly an idiot…..

      • dragnew says:

        Takes a big man to admit that. Refreshing to see on the internet.

      • Kato says:

        I’m just happy someone noticed the attention to detail. Your comment alone just vindicated the half hour I spent struggling with Gimp.

  2. dragnew says:

    So, where do I sign up for next year’s?

    • valinhorn says:

      Seriously. I will so fly out for this. I might not make PAX east next year but this will be worth it.

  3. JohnKiller118 says:

    I live in Ohio.

  4. HALO3syourdaddy says:

    Woo Ohio!


  5. Rhamsey says:

    Pretty Awesome Expo, genius!

  6. Flyerfye says:

    Hilarious! Sadly, this is the sort of thing I’d expect to really happen.

  7. KalamariKidd says:

    Haha, swine flu!

    • bs angel says:

      I about busted a gut at the end!

  8. Cyanide & Happiness says:

    DAMMIT Britain ALWAYS misses out >:-(

    • Cyanide & Happiness says:

      Why can’t we have PSX -> pretthy shit expo. At least we’d have something!

    • t0rm3n7 says:

      Make the Partly Anglican Expo!

      • HellCat says:

        In NZ we’d have the NAX- Nothing at all expo. I would only got to the US for E3 and PAX and Comicon.

  9. Poopie McGhee says:

    I Wanna Make A PAX South-East…

    • pittofdoom says:

      I’d go… As long and there’s some sort regional rivalry between PAXs in which we can totally make the other expos look terrible.

    • Poopie McGhee says:

      yep… we can get spys to go to the other ones and cause chaos and make the PAX-SE look amazing by comparison… lol

  10. DethPwn says:

    If this is a knock at PAX East I’m offended.

    *crosses arms/tries to hide smirk*

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