The Katonian Press: Ian Anderson Of Jethro Tull Wonders Why There is No “Flute Hero” Game

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Ian Anderson Of Jethro Tull Wonders Why There is No “Flute Hero” Game

ian andersonDunfermline, Fife, Scotland – For the life of him, Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson cannot wrap his brain around the fact that no one has developed a Flute Hero video game.  “It just doesn’t make any bloody sense,” says Anderson, 62, from atop the flute-shaped tower of his Scottish castle.  “They’ve got all these games these days that let kids live out their Rock and Roll fantasies, but they’re not getting the true experience without simulating the most important part!”

Anderson, without question Rock’s most famous flautist, has reason to complain.  The majority of rhythm-based games to this point have only focused on background instruments such as guitar, drums, and vocals.  Each of these attempts has flirted with greatness but all have ultimately fallen short by neglecting Rock and Roll’s most iconic lead instrument.

“I applaud their efforts at getting more people interested in music, but the real rock experience is only complete with the inclusion of the flute.”  Anderson leans back in his throne constructed entirely of woodwinds and strokes his mephistophelian goatee while he waxes about what makes music really rock.  “Guitar hero? Ha, don’t make me laugh. Rock Band? How could it possibly be when you’re omitting the one instrument that truly makes a band.  Think about it: Can you imagine ‘Living in the Past’ being a hit without the complex melody established by the flute?  Or how about ‘Hymn 43’?  It might as well be a ballad until the flute kicks in and really shows you how true Rock and Roll is supposed to sound!”

Ironically, one of Jethro Tull‘s tunes has actually appeared in the popular Rock Band game series, one that is noticeably sans flute: “Aqualung”.  “Of all the songs to license, they picked that one,” says Anderson, rolling his eyes. “That was a throw away track to pad the album.  It’s practically a capella!  The only way I can stand to perform it live is to incorporate the flute… as a guitar slide and to strum with.”

Anderson suspects that maybe there are technical reasons game companies haven’t produced a truly authentic Rock and Roll gaming experience.  To address this, he has leveraged his seemingly infinite resources and developed a prototype that he hopes will revolutionize rhythm games.  Blowing a short but complex command on his flute, he summons a handful of diminutive servants, ordering them to bring forth his radical peripheral design.  Not surprisingly, it resembles a flute, with a pressure sensitive “blow” switch and color-coded buttons for playing notes.  “After all,” says Anderson, “buttons on a flute make much more sense than on a guitar!”  In addition he has produced an accessory about the size of a bathroom scale, bearing some resemblance to the Nintendo Wii Balance Board.  “This is for expert players,” he explains, “so that they can really play the authentic way: on one foot!”

Anderson plans to begin marketing his “Flute Hero” game and accessories immediately, hoping to have it in stores in time for Christmas.  “Kids want to flute,” says Anderson, his passion bordering on fanaticism. “It’s in their soul.”

-Kato, witfits [at] gmail [dot] com

27 Responses to The Katonian Press: Ian Anderson Of Jethro Tull Wonders Why There is No “Flute Hero” Game

  1. Mizzy says:

    I about died with laughter…and actually want a Flute Hero to be made, since I had to learn it in my early teens.

  2. dragnew says:

    Mr Anderson is Living in the Past. He’s obviously Too Old to Rock and Roll, but Too Young to Die, and just as obviously Thick as a Brick. Mother Goose would make more sense as a game. Any studio would have to make a Witch’s Promise just to get this Cross-Eyed Mary’s idea off the ground. Someone bring me my Broadsword, I feel a Cold Wind To Valhalla blowing, I hear some Heavy Horses, Mayhem, Maybe, and I’m gonna hit him like a Sealion.

    • dragnew says:

      Time to play Spot the Inappropriate Jethro Tull Reference!

    • Kato says:

      I suspect that was hard to keep Under Wraps.

    • NartFOpc says:

      Thick as Brick would have to be the final song in the game

      Jethro Tull FTW, always been my favorite band

      • DuracellDurrell says:

        Sax hero NAO. Coltrane, Rollins, Parker, and maybe Jazz Band. that would kick some serious butt

  3. Poopie McGhee says:

    i like jethro tull… but idk about a flute hero… i like that picture… he looks like an evil dude… (it’s the goattee)

    • Marksman says:

      The DEVIL!!11!!!one!

  4. IcyTreats says:

    Wouldn’t that be kinda unclean, to have friends and family blowing the same flute you do all the time?
    *tries to keep a straight face*

    • Kato says:

      I suspect EA will option the technology and insist that everyone in the household buy their own controller. Mad Catz will respond by creating an add-on “flute condom”, which will be cheaper to buy than multiple controllers, but will be of poor design and break often.

      • Poopie McGhee says:

        that’s great… and probably would happen IF this idea was ever seriously spawned…

        i literally HAHA’d

    • JLay says:

      Skinflute Hero FTW!

      Do you think BS Angel would review it?

    • DT62 says:

      Nah, it’s always more fun when others blow with you.

    • Mizzy says:

      As opposed to touching the same guitar that other grubby-handed children who had their fingers up their noses have touched?

      • HellCat says:

        usually they’re sticky from all the bloody sugar they have. I think i’d get a highscore on blowing. but co op could always be two people blowing at once.

  5. SonofMacPhisto says:

    I’m waiting for Rock Band: Yo Yo Ma

  6. Greatness says:

    “Each of these attempts has flirted with greatness but all have ultimately fallen short by neglecting Rock and Roll’s most iconic lead instrument.”

    I’m sorry, it’s just the satisfaction didn’t last long enough for me to take the time to learn to play their instruments. The flute however, that’s something I have experience with already.

  7. Tactful says:

    Personally I think work should continue on the newest game in the series, “Guitar Hero Hero”. In it, you play various songs on plastic instruments to the various songs that come bundled with Guitar Hero by using plastic instruments to play the various songs displayed on the television in the game on your television. You tap coloured buttons in order to tap coloured buttons on the game, each coloured button representing a corresponding coloured button on your instrument in the game.

    Imagine having all the fun of Guitar Hero; Playing pre-recorded songs to fictional audiences, playing along with your Guitar Hero band, acing all songs on extreme… Imagine having the full Guitar Hero experience in your own living room!

    Singleplayer mode is pretty simple; You play your plastic instruments to control plastic instruments to earn “money” in order to purchase other instrument types which you then play to play to pay to play to pay and play and pay for friends to pay to play and pay to play songs which you pay to listen to to pay to listen to. Multiplayer is slightly more complicated.

    Guitar Hero Hero; Coming to a Metaphysical Videogame Videogame store store near near you you!

    • DT62 says:

      Wow. Now I’m continually lost and confused in the space-time continuum.

    • Poopie McGhee says:

      greetings from the redundant world of redundancy…. (you) it’s good to meet you, great….

    • Marksman says:

      Aww, now my head hurts.

  8. Tactful says:

    Then I guess you dont want to hear about their latest cross-series announcement;

    Dance Dance Revolution Hero Hero.

    • bs angel says:

      LOL, I’d play it!

    • Kato says:

      If I was really good at that game, you might command me: “Dance, Dance Dance Revolution Hero Hero hero!”

      • bs angel says:

        LOL, … :thumbs up:

        • Kato says:

          Also, if there was a Danish man named Dan who wanted to commemorate me with a Greek sandwich, it would be:
          Dansk Dan’s Dance Dance Revolution Hero Hero Hero Gyro!

        • Poopie McGhee says:

          that kills my brain

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