The Katonian Press: Local Gamer Confused By Xbox Live Avatar Marketplace

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Local Gamer Confused By Xbox Live Avatar Marketplace

xbox 360 avatarEAST LANSING, MI – Local gamer Neil Jameson expressed confusion over the new Xbox Live Avatar Marketplace on Sunday night as he checked it out for the first time.  Upon starting up his console for a few hours of Call of Duty, or perhaps a little Gears of War, he noticed the new page on his dashboard.

“So, there’s now a shop for my avatar?” said Neil. “That’s… cool… I guess?”

He proceeded to enter the store and take a look around.  “Hey, I can make my guy look like a Clone Trooper!” he shouted excitedly to his girlfriend, Jane, who was reading a magazine nearby.  He took some time to check out all the wares for his virtual persona, including the new “props”.

“This lightsaber is pretty awesome,” Neil said, watching his avatar wield the Jedi weapon.  “But these pom-poms are gay.”

His girlfriend, who had put down her magazine to see what all the fuss was about, agreed.  “I don’t think those are really meant for you, hon,” she commented, as the avatar danced about like Patrick Swayze in Road House.


Neil expressed approval for many of the Star Wars related items, and thought the Halo RC Warthog was “pretty badass… if you like Halo“, but was a little confused by the Monkey Island props. “A giant Q-Tip?  What the fuck?”

“So, what does it DO?” asked girlfriend, Jane, watching her boyfriend’s avatar reignite its lightsaber.

“What do you mean, what does it do?  It’s a lightsaber, you kick ass with it!” he said.

“I know that,” she answered, punching him in the arm.  “I mean, what does your little guy do with it?”

“Oh, uh, I dunno.  You must be able to use it in-game.  Yea, like you can probably beat up Keflings with it or something.  That’d be cool.”

Torn between the Clone Trooper Armor and the Locust Drone Armor, Neil settled upon the latter to adorn his avatar even though it didn’t match his prop, claiming his “guy” was “some type of Jedi Horde Alien shit”.  He then struggled with the payment method.  “So, I just put on this stuff and exit, right?” he asked, before realizing that the items needed to be purchased.  “Oh, it’s a store, okay.  So, you must, like, earn money in games, right, so you can buy them?  Maybe that’s what gamer points are for.  That makes sense, I guess.”  He vainly attempted to exit the store with his avatar’s new digs, only to find himself repeatedly stymied by an annoying pop up to “buy some lame Microsoft Points, whatever the heck those are.”

“I think that’s how you buy the stuff,” his girlfriend pointed out, after watching him struggle for a good five minutes.

“Wait, you have to spend real money to buy this crap?” he shot back.  “Fuck that!”  He spent the next few hours in multiplayer games, telling anyone in the lobby with him how much of a rip-off the Marketplace was, and how Microsoft could “cram that Q-Tip up their ass!”

Later that evening he snuck back online and entered his credit card number to purchase the items from the store.  He immediately felt buyer’s remorse, which was alleviated somewhat when he discovered he could make his avatar burp the guitar riff from “Iron Man”.

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22 Responses to The Katonian Press: Local Gamer Confused By Xbox Live Avatar Marketplace

  1. Grumpy Jedi says:

    I’ve never laughed harder in my life. That was fantastic!

  2. soulofaqua says:

    I hate it for the sole reason that I am so freaking tempted to buy a virtual lightsaber with no use to it for 5 dollars… FIVE!

    • Grumpy Jedi says:

      Do you have any clue how difficult it is to ignore that Star Wars crap with a Gamertag like Grumpy Jedi!? I’m still happily showing off my free E3 trophy until I finally break down and buy that light saber.

  3. Darth_nazgul says:

    My brother wasted my microsoft points on Marine armour. At least we’d be able to get awards (if we knew what the awards were).

    • Mizzy says:

      I bet the awards don’t work retroactively.

      • A Shaky Shotgun says:

        It would be sweet if they did.

        • Mizzy says:

          I wouldn’t count on MIcrosuck being so generous.

        • L337MA573R says:

          Considering the fact that, like achievements, game developers get to choose what avatar unlockables you receive, it actually has some promise.

  4. GeneralCupcakes says:

    I really wanted to beat up some Keflings…

    • Mike says:

      Yeah either hit them with the lightsaber or drive them around with the warthog

  5. A Shaky Shotgun says:

    That marine armor is tempting, but I’m going to wait to see what we get as awards.

  6. Zwooosh says:

    The awards will probably be just a ring… or a stone… you know… something stupid >_>

    Because why else would you BUY a (eg.) halo 3 T-shirt… if you could get an ODST T-shirt for free…
    Yes… thats right… meaning M$ wouldn’t get any money :D! That’s madness!

    Still hoping though :P

  7. Personsen says:

    lol! This post is awesome! :D

    I think I’ll try making my avatar burp the Iron Man riff next time I’m on… :P

  8. Lincoln says:

    I just went and tried to do the Iron Man burp. Awesome. ^.^

    I promised myself I wouldn’t spend actual money on this shit, but then I realized I had 160 MS Points. I had completely forgotten about them, and figured “Well, they HAVE been here a long time, not being used. Why not?” and bought the Crimson Omen hoody.

    Then I saw that it had some gay blue hexagon design. Buyers remorse ftl. T-T

    • DethPwn says:

      Gay Blue Hexagon=COG Symbol. It’s hard to tell though.

  9. DethPwn says:

    I am torn between my love of shwag and my love of not being a whore… GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!

    • You don’t look so torn to me :p

      • DethPwn says:

        I think I’ll live *hugs Drone armor*

  10. HellCat says:

    I know i was ranting on about that its real money used on worthless crap but i just got my xbox back this morning and well… I may have bought a lightsaber, somegloves, GOW2 shoes, a starwars tee and a Halo beret. I was all in celebration and i was testing the system. I won’t do it again, it was an impluse buy. I shopped till my bank balance dropped

    • bs angel says:

      LOL! I’ve resisted purchasing anything for my avatar thus far by not visiting that section of the Marketplace. I did browse a bit on Xbox.com and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being tempted by the lightsaber, but it’s easier to say no when your avatar isn’t dancing across the screen with it. :)

  11. Tactful says:

    I tried explaining the service to a friend the other day; “Basically, you pay small amounts of real world money and get absolutely nothing in return…”.

    I fucking loved the idea of avatars at first, but then Microsoft realized they could make money through it. They always seem to find more god damn ways of turning basic, free services into paid bullshit. Remember Display Pics? God damn…

  12. triptup says:

    microsux has lost me

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