The Katonian Press: Xbox 360 Dashboard Update To Finally Allow Complaints By Whiny Bitches

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Xbox 360 Dashboard Update To Finally Allow Complaints By Whiny Bitches

xbox live player reviewRedmond, WA – An update to the Xbox 360’s “dashboard” interface is scheduled to be released this month by Microsoft, containing a handful of enhancements to improve and streamline the experience and address some specific needs of the community.  “The hardworking Xbox Live team has listened to your feedback,” reads a post by Larry Hryb, Xbox Live’s Director of Programming, at his website MajorNelson.com.  “They realize you are frustrated with the limited number of generic feedback options that can be left for players in the Guide and have attempted to address that in the upcoming Dashboard Update.”

Subscribers to the Xbox Live service can submit a “player review” of other gamers, but up until now have only been able to avoid someone for a handful of reasons, such as “Unsporting Conduct” or “Unpleasant Language”.

“We’re going to provide you with much more specific complaints that can be filed against another gamer,” says Hryb, “compiled from a list of common complaints found on gaming forums and overheard in multiplayer lobbies.  We’re listening!”


A preview of the Dashboard Update, which was released early to subscribers of a beta program, contained the new player review options.  When the final version is pushed, players will find that they can now avoid other gamers by leaving the following complaints:

  • Not vetoing this map/gametype that everyone knows sucks (especially when you already have the achievement for it).
  • Being hard to kill/not dying enough.
  • Having host advantage.
  • Being a laggy bitch.
  • Using the Elite skin in Halo 3.
  • Using teamwork/strategy (while playing against).
  • Jumping.
  • Failure to appreciate your rendition of Souljah Boy’s “Crank That” in game lobby.
  • Using the “noob combo”, “noob tube”, or any other weapon you’re not good with.
  • Taking a weapon or power up when you clearly “called” it.
  • Not helping when you specifically asked to “play for achievements”.

As an additional incentive to use the system, gamers who file the new complaints will unlock a special achievement for 0 Gamerscore entitled “Learn 2 Play, N00b”.

kato
witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
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33 Responses to The Katonian Press: Xbox 360 Dashboard Update To Finally Allow Complaints By Whiny Bitches

  1. akatsuki9GuY says:

    rofl

  2. FishType1 says:

    L2P

  3. Rockdio says:

    I think ‘Is a Girl.” option is the funniest out of those there.

    • Kato says:

      Good eyes.

    • bs angel says:

      Hmph!

    • LAZR Blade 14 says:

      Never got what was wrong with women who play video games.
      I myself am in love with a gamer, and she’s a lot better at Call of Duty and Gears 2 than I am.
      I mean, if they’re good, what’s the problem? -shrugs-

  4. ignats82 says:

    That was awesome.

  5. ya feelin lucky,punk? says:

    g24

  6. ya feelin lucky,punk? says:

    g25

  7. ya feelin lucky,punk? says:

    g26

  8. Silen7 Sam Strikes Back says:

    IF YOU THINK NOOBS WILL LOVE THIS UPDATE GIVE ME A HELL YEAH

  9. ya feelin lucky,punk? says:

    C-c-c-combo breaker!!

  10. LordOsiris says:

    Good article. I am sure I will provide many an achievement for the said bitches.

    WTF is with the comments, btw?

    • ya feelin lucky,punk? says:

      you dont no wat combo breaker is? you havent been playing games for long

      • A Deaf Boy says:

        Perhaps we should file a complaint, lol.

      • Killer Instinct is an old game, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for people to not know what it’s from, or what it means.

        • FishType1 says:

          NO! NOT INTO THE PIT, IT BURNS!

  11. MoltenSlowa says:

    I thought Kato was writing only fiction and satire, but these last few entries have been complete fact. It’s like a virtual written 180!

    • Kato says:

      I blur the line sometimes. :)

  12. DethPwn says:

    Don’t forget “Stealing a kill when you had obviously had your sights on that guy.”

    Nice work, Kato!

    • Kato says:

      “Kill Stealing”, yes, that is definitely a grave offense. Also up there would be “Forcing me to teamkill them because they took the rocket launcher that I wanted.”

  13. Admiral Madden says:

    where’s the “No Fat Chicks” Complaint?

  14. Chris101b says:

    *Gasp* That’s it! I am still waiting for the “Boot the person who teabagged me after i teabagged them but they totally deserved it when I did it, but when they did it to me, I was just another statistic” complaint. I have been asking for that one for so long!!

    • Kato says:

      They’ve only left that one out because it’s a limitation of the Xbox Guide… not enough characters. And no one would be able to figure out “BTPWTMAITTBTTDIWIDIBWTDITMIWJAS” if it was written like that.

  15. HellCat says:

    sadly these are the things we say to cover up our badness, we should just tell the truth. Hey Kato since when do you write fact anyways?

    • Kato says:

      Truth is stranger than fiction, isn’t that what they say? Also, bs angel has some stupid “Public Service” quota she has to meet, so I’m required to sprinkle truths here in there every once in awhile so she can say that a certain percentage of the blog’s content goes to informing the gaming community about important issues. I really need to renegotiate my contract.

      • bs angel says:

        The quota is one a week. And of course I push that off on you! I certainly can’t meet that. ;)

        • Kato says:

          Honestly, I don’t know how the ESRB and the FCC haven’t shut you down yet.

  16. Darth_nazgul says:

    Surprised there wasn’t a “bought avatar clothes” option.

  17. neoxdonut says:

    I for one LoL’d.

  18. Kato says:

    LOL for One and One for LOL.

  19. L337MA573R says:

    Don’t forget “Leaving Bad Feedback” and “Wearing The Armor That Everyone Has Except Me.”

  20. Jim 028 says:

    392163163796720277624539980631903452515

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