The Katonian Press: Flag Taken, Flag Dropped

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Aggravated Red Team Has Flag Repeatedly Taken, Dropped

halo 3 valhallaValhalla, The Ark – Nestled in an idyllic valley on a quiet bay, two forerunner structures sit amongst the majestic pines, rolling hills, and sparkling waterfalls.  The occasional call of a native gull and the sound of the salty breeze blowing in from the ocean are all that usually break the peacefully tranquility of this place.  That is, until recently, when Blue Team stole Red Team’s flag, and caused a ruckus not heard hear in millennia.

“I was around back, doing some work on the ‘Hog, trying to see if I could get the damn tow winch working, when I heard the commotion,” said a Red Spartan.  “I haven’t a clue where the other guys were, maybe checking out that downed Pelican, or frolicking in the stream for all I know.  I looked up just in time to see Blue grabbing the flag we planted in our base.  Probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it hadn’t been for that disembodied voice saying ‘Flag taken’.”

The Blue Team doesn’t deny the incident.

“Yea, I stole their flag,” said the pilfering Blue Spartan.  “I was tooling around in a Mongoose, admiring the local geology, when I saw it just sitting there with not a Red in sight.  It was too great of an opportunity to pass up, so I just rode ride up and helped myself.”


Red Team and Blue Team have had an uneasy relationship ever since they found themselves stranded in Blood Gulch on Installation 04 (Alpha Halo) a few years ago.  Recently, they have each set up a base of operations in abandoned forerunner structures situated at either end of the valley known as Valhalla.  Tensions sometimes run high, and stealing the other team’s flag, planting a bomb in their base, and fighting over territory, are pretty common occurrences these days.

“The bastard hit the Man Cannon before I could stop him,” continued the Red Spartan.  “Don’t ask me why we keep the flag out in the open like that, right next to the nearest avenue of escape.  I told the guys that there are probably a dozen or so better spots to plant it, but no one listens.  It’s not like this is the first time it’s been stolen, either.  Anyway, once I saw Blue propelled halfway across the damn valley, I figured it was a done deal, so I went back to my repairs.  I was annoyed, but not as annoyed as I was about to be, apparently.”  It was at this point that the once serene landscape filled with an unbearable cacophony.

“I was actually taking a nap under a tree and jumped up when I heard the commotion,” reported a Red Spartan.  “‘Flag taken’ said that disembodied voice we hear sometimes.  Then shortly after, ‘Flag dropped’.  I was relieved.  I sat back down and closed my eyes.  Then he started to get schizophrenic: ‘Flag taken.  Flag dropped.  Flag taken. Flag dropped.’ It sounded like he was having a seizure.”  The rest of Red Team reported hearing it too: a verbal deluge of announcements from their unseen narrator.

“It was driving me batshit,” said another Red Spartan, who was wading in the warm coastal waters at the time, attempting to relax and find the buoyancy point of his half-ton armor.  “I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. I thought I was going to have an aneurysm.  It felt like someone was boring a hole in my brain.  I ducked under the water but even that couldn’t make the constant shouting stop.”

Blue Team admits to having some difficulties in returning the Red Team’s flag to their base.

“I kept dropping it,” said the butter-fingered Blue Spartan.  “Listen, that thing is surprisingly heavy.  Most people use aluminum for flag poles but, damn, felt like Red Team bought the lead-lined model and then filled it with concrete.  And I swear it was unusually slippery.  Plus, I was in a hurry and was trying not to get caught.  You try lugging around a stolen bright-red standard and tell me you wouldn’t be hauling ass.”

Having it stolen was bad enough, but being bombarded with an unending diatribe about the current positional status of their flag, from a mysterious floating voice no less, was unbearable.

“I may have overreacted,” said the previously napping Red Spartan about his solution to the problem.  “Earlier, while I was picking wildflowers, I stumbled upon an M6 [Spartan Laser], probably from a bad ammo drop.  I had been using it as a pillow, but that god-awful ‘Flag dropped. Flag taken.’ was really putting a damper on my shuteye and making me feel kinda violent.  So I scoped in the little Blue thief and shone a few thousand kilowatts of directed energy up his ass.  It was only later that I remembered we decided to lube up the flagpole with some Vasolene to try to discourage theft.  And ants.  Guess that kinda backfired.”

The Blue Spartan eventually abandoned his quarry and peaceful tranquility returned to Valhalla.  He later reluctantly apologized for the incident, saying he was just “having a bit of fun” and didn’t mean to “be such a dick”.  The rest of Blue Team chipped in and sent Red Team a lovely fruit basket.

Red Team reciprocated with a “No Hard Feelings” Cookie Bouquet that contained a variety of delicious sweets and one Type 14 Magnetic Anti-Tank Mine.

kato
witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
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40 Responses to The Katonian Press: Flag Taken, Flag Dropped

  1. rainboq says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL that anti tank mine bit was classic

  2. Radius says:

    That was unnecisary. The blues already had caboose on their team. His team-killing skills are unmatched.

    • Ragnarok Ark says:

      Or are they? *thinks of Angel + Grifball = …*

  3. LAZR Blade 14 says:

    Heh, loved it.

  4. StephaBon says:

    Titanium wasn’t the best metal to choose for a ” heavy” flagpole. I think it may even be lighter than aluminum. Lead would have been best. I’m sounding like some critic, but I thought this whole thing was hilarious. I can’t wait for more. It’s a welcome addition to my HawtyMcBloggy treats.

    • Kato says:

      You are correct. That was a bit of a thinko. The Great Blogging Gods have heard our lament and are even now reweaving the fabric of the Internet to correct the error.

    • Kato says:

      (Also, thank you for the compliments, I hope to continue to amuse.)

  5. Mr Viper says:

    Makes you wonder how the butter-fingered Spartan managed to survive an anal laser blast. Nasty.

    • Kato says:

      Reflective underwear maybe?

    • A Shaky Shotgun says:

      The mysterious force known as Respawn.

    • robert says:

      i guess he can take the force.

  6. FluidDarkness says:

    Funny.

    But the whole “Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped. Flag taken. Flag dropped.” trend is so annoying. Makes me want to assassinate my own teammates for perpetuating this.

    BUT, I have to admit that during 3 Ball weekend, I did chuckle at hearing “Ball dropped. Ball dropped. Ball dropped. Ball dropped.” (Yeah, I know, I’m 8 years old.) Thank God that happened only once that evening.

    • not to worry, I think its funny too.

      Ah and I am convinced that all 8 year olds play for team ODST
      “prepare to drop”

      • robert says:

        i agree. i hope odst will be more complicated for those brats….

    • Vaati says:

      sometimes during 3 ball games, when two teams are neck-and-neck, if they both have oddballs, they will alternate between gaining points, making it rapidly switch between a tie and a 1-point lead. this makes the announcer have another “seizure”, exclaiming “Gained the lead!” or “lost the lead!” EVERY SINGLE SECOND.

  7. HellCat says:

    I love it! taking a situation that we all can relate to and personalizing it. Its well written and genius. Btw Anal Laser hurts. If only halo was casual and we could just chill out

    • robert says:

      don’t worry. anal laser will be quick and pleasureful.

  8. Zwooosh says:

    Hahah I really enjoyed reading that XD

  9. Marksman says:

    Lol, I don’t believe they were lubing the flag pole to stop ants and theft. It kinda fits in with the “Anal Laser” theme, hmm?

    oh, how often I hear that dreaded announcer repeat the flags’ status…lousy objective games…

  10. MasterJh says:

    I personally love it when people drop/pick-up the flag continually because you get to see where the flag is every other second…Also i hate it when people on your team don’t know how to flag run (i know…i r 2 em el gee pr0)

  11. Tinkletim2 says:

    Just a little hint for those who don’t known ”Flag Juggling” actually goes faster than just holding it. As well as annoys the other team. =) It’s not actually that bad*.

    *Once You Get Used To It.

    with ROFLZ,
    Me

  12. neoshogun says:

    I like the image of red Spartans frolicking in a mountain stream.

  13. Mike says:

    this article should definitely be machinimated!

    i have a capture card… but no friends who can do anything in halo without killing someone… jerks…

  14. ridum says:

    hilarious…more of these tales… lol!

  15. Will Pwn 4 Food says:

    This was the best one yet-this brings a much-needed sense of Monty-Python-esque humor to the game.

    “In other news, a Red Team recruit was court-marshaled for the use of the Mongoose during a sniper engagement on Snowbound.”

  16. Rez says:

    “BREAKING NEWS”

    “Upset at StandOff as the traditional Red team vs. Blue team Setup
    is traded for Green team vs. Yellow team.”

    “PLUS”

    “Tired of drunk drivers running you over? Fredrick-104 reviews
    the Power Drainer, and if it’s any good for YOU!”

    HILARIOUS. My dad was looking at this, doesn’t even play Halo, and
    HE laughed at it. lol, that does get annoying though. Wish there was
    an option to shut that…

  17. DethPwn says:

    Lol. Just lol. Nice work, can’t wait for the next edition!

  18. CdawgOwnd says:

    Haha I absolutely love this article. Very well done!

  19. Irksomekernal says:

    HAHAHA that was amazing

  20. robert says:

    you should write a book or something. lol.

  21. Gunlat3M says:

    Uhh… not to be a bit of a nag, but doesn’t the announcer say “Flag Stolen” when your flag is taken?

    • Kato says:

      Oops?

    • iMoxus says:

      He was probably so preoccupied with saying Blue’s phrases that he forgot about Red :P.

    • FluidDarkness says:

      To be fair, the announcer does not always get the situation right. I’ve heard “Flag Taken” said first when somebody drops it right away per the annoying tactic (don’t care if it’s “faster”.)

      • Gunlat3M says:

        When you steal the enemy flag, the announcer says “Flag Taken”. When your flag is stolen by the enemy, the announcer says “Flag Stolen”.

        When both flags are stolen, the announcer doesn’t get paid enough…

  22. Lil Jimmy Todd says:

    I would be like the Red Spartan With the Laser. I Hate it when people do that it doesnt make you any faster.

    • Count Lodgeular says:

      It does, it makes you a lot faster because when you hold the flag you slow down by quite a lot, so if you drop it, you throw the flag, then your able to actually run after it. If you jump and drop it you move even faster because you throw it further.

    • big tone says:

      you are correct

  23. L337MA573R says:

    Love it, but don’t quit get the part about the Splaser and the Vasoline.

  24. N to the eighbor says:

    For all u non-competitve Halo kids, flag running is an easy way to speed up the movement of a flag towards your base. It also allows you to make jumps not possible while merely holding the flag. For example, on the Pit, you can throw the flag to Green Box AND land at Green Box, allowing a run through Green Hall.

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