The Katonian Press: You’re A -Blam-, Reports Anonymous Online Source

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

You’re A Fucking Fag, Reports Anonymous Online Source

angry gamerDespite previous evidence to the contrary, you may in fact be a fucking fag according to an anonymous online source.  The shocking allegation was made late last night during an online round of the latest popular multiplayer first-person shooter.

Your opponent, known only by his handle xXN00bPwnrXx, dropped this bombshell in the post-game lobby after his stunning defeat.  He disconnected before he could be asked to elaborate, but comments made during the game could shed some light on the accusation.

Throughout the game, xXN00bPwnrXx kept in near-constant communication, giving you vital feedback on your performance.  According to him, the match was replete with evidence of your fagginess, including:

  • Being a rocket whore for picking up the rocket launcher.
  • Spawn camping by killing him at some point after he respawned.
  • Knowing the map well.
  • Always having the good weapons.
  • Taking like a million fucking hits to kill.
  • Causing lag on his connection.
  • Being able to kill him.
  • Using specific weapons included on the map that are clearly cheap.
  • Winning.

Your opponent expressed his hopes that the fucking shitty ass game designers would finally fix it so dickless noobs like yourself couldn’t beat pros such as himself by using cheap tactics.  He also offered some constructive criticism concerning your game play, recommending that you entertain the notion of engaging in sexual activity with yourself.

When contacted, xXN00bPwnrXx declined to comment on the matter, asking instead if anyone wanted to play for achievements.

kato
witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
katonian press-related stories

21 Responses to The Katonian Press: You’re A -Blam-, Reports Anonymous Online Source

  1. Tristan says:

    Haha LMAO!

    This text is hilariously written.

    Awesome!

  2. VoltRabbit says:

    To think I’ve lived my whole life as a straight man, having kids, getting married to a female… how have I been so deceived for so long?
    Well thats it! From now on VoltRabbit = Fabulous!!!

  3. DeepCee says:

    I didn’t get it for about 2 seconds. An then I rofl’ed. :P

  4. HALO3syourdaddy says:

    Why did the picture change?

    Anyways, funny stuff ^_^

    • Kato says:

      I had a hard time finding an appropriate image for the post. Angel had to help me out.

    • bs angel says:

      It’s the magically changing picture post!

  5. Will Pwn 4 Food says:

    You forgot “Not having a gamertag with ‘Xx’, ‘o0’, or any variation thereof.”

    • LordOsiris says:

      Two thumbs up for this one.

  6. I like this one.

  7. Zwooosh says:

    haha very funny :P

  8. LAZR Blade 14 says:

    “Entire team is babies!”
    -Heavy Weapons Guy

  9. Mr Viper says:

    Internet kids aren’t bad, they’re just misunderstood.

    And retarded.

    And really, really annoying.

    God, I hate internet kids.

    • Viktim says:

      And far too often they don’t stop being “kids” until they hit 25…

  10. Crazeye0 says:

    “Knowing the map well. ”

    Ah, the irony, erlier I was playing a custom game on one of my maps of which my friend had played once or twice, he claimed that I had waaaaaay too big of an advantage for knowing the map too well…

    I’m gonna miss all these articles when I’m in Crete =/

  11. Ragingterror says:

    LOL at the title.

  12. Marksman says:

    LOL at the “million hits to kill” thing. It happens to me all the time…

  13. xXN00bPwnrXx says:

    Hey I never said they could publish this!

    • ShadowNova DVX says:

      Ha ha, unlucky!! You’re about to become the most hated guy on xbox live!
      :-D

  14. Pingback: TheChrisD – Rant Central » Rants » Random Shit – 16th July

  15. DethPwn says:

    I think I know this guy! In fact, I’v played with him a whopping 5/7 TIMES!!! Good lord, to bad good manners aren’t contagious lik yawns and smiles are.

    • DethPwn says:

      Not to mention typos! Good god I’m dissapointed with myself! (Sorry for double post)

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