The Katonian Press: Bungie Could Launch Major Assault As Early As Tuesday

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Bungie Could Launch Major Assault As Early As Tuesday, Say Experts

bungieThe U.S. State Department and The Entertainment Software Rating Board have issued a travel advisory for the weeks leading up to, and following, July 7th, citing fears of a full scale assault launched by Bungie Studios.  The State Department is advising against traveling to Washington state, particularly the area near Kirkland, where Bungie is known to base their operations.  The ESRB is advising gamers to avoid their local Game Stop and the video game aisles of Best Buy, Wal-Mart, and other major retailers.

Analysts say that a full-scale assault from Bungie is likely to commence on or around July the 7th, citing the anniversary of their declaration of independence from Microsoft Corp.  In 2007, Bungie staged a bloody coup against their Redmond-based “oppressors”. The fighting ended in October of that year, with Bungie re-establishing itself as an autonomous entity.  Upon regaining control, their ruling body, the Grizzled Ancients, released a manifesto of their “plans for world-domination.”

Independence was the penultimate step in their edict, a fact that worries experts, and an indication that future action to achieve their ultimate goal is imminent.

Sources familiar with the group say that Bungie has been slowly building up their forces, starting long before the July 2007 coup.  Their relatively small standing army is supplemented by a much larger volunteer military known collectively as The 7th Column.  A non-unified fighting force, The 7th Column is a widely-distributed and diverse guerrilla network made up of clans and non-affiliated partisans.  Though inherently non-cohesive, in the past they have banded together behind Bungie, putting aside rivalries and infighting in support of the collective good.  “A force to be reckoned with,” says the Joint Chiefs’ official dossier on the group.

Intelligence reports and missives from inside Bungie itself indicate that they have been stockpiling weapons for an inevitable conflict.  Financial records and surveillance footage show that a munitions manufacturer out of New Zealand has been supplying arms and weapons-platforms to the group on and off for some time (though these ties are now supposedly cut).  Footage leaked to YouTube purportedly shows Bungie officials test-driving a prototype light reconnaissance and assault vehicle they commissioned from a Wellington manufacturer for future deployment.

Of course, the full extent of Bungie’s arsenal and abilities may only be known to them.  Though their boasting is legendary, they remain cagey and tight-lipped when confronted about their capabilities and intentions.  Their base of operations is an unassuming compound in the lowland of Washington state, off limits to press and inspectors alike.  Visitors and interlopers are advised to steer clear.  A large security officer–rumored to have once fought a bear–guards the facility’s main entrance, with standing orders to “choke-slam” anyone who doesn’t heed the warnings.

Yet, the intelligence community isn’t completely blind to the machinations of the megalomaniacal organization.  The final stage itemized in Bungie’s manifesto details the building of a “giant slingshot [with which to] shoot enemies into the sun.”  Officials suspect this giant slingshot may have already been secretly constructed in the nearby hills.  Reports show that the group recently commissioned the construction of what they are claiming are simply operations and administration offices, but may in fact be structures hiding their super weapon, in direct violation of sanctions imposed at the end of the Microsoft conflict.  Leaked communiques from inside Bungie seem to point to an “Ivory Tower” located on the main compound that defense analyst think may house the operations center for this Weapon of Mass Immolation.

Security across the nation has been put on alert in response to escalating tensions.  The significance of Tuesday’s date has not been lost on Bungie’s adversaries, either.  Sources report that high officials inside rival Epic, including the vocal figurehead Cliff Bleszinski, are steeling themselves against an upcoming conflict.  “Dude Huge” has supposedly taken to carrying around a Lancer with him at all times, and stockpiling what he calls “Imulsion” (which appears to be some kind of energy drink).  He has been overheard muttering to himself, something about “recon armor”.

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24 Responses to The Katonian Press: Bungie Could Launch Major Assault As Early As Tuesday

  1. HALO3syourdaddy says:

    <3 this.

  2. Crazeye0 says:

    Hah, I read all of that, it was a good read and quite amusing, I lol’d lightly most of the way through.

  3. Sgtpierceface says:


  4. CortanaV says:

    Ahhh! That’s so awesome. The VERY last part was funny.

    “He has been overheard muttering to himself, something about “recon armor”.”

  5. VoltRabbit says:


  6. Eliper says:

    Finally. . . step 7 progresses.

  7. XD

  8. Triptup says:

    And their tv station will b The WD on channel 117

    • PiN0YxPWNAGE says:

      Or more like channel 343.

  9. GeneralCupcakes says:

    Bungie will then assault COD4 players forcing them to play the entire Halo Trilogy.

  10. shadowsquid86 says:

    Oh crap…I live in Washington. o_o;

    • H3PD says:

      Me too I live in Kirkland


  12. XMixMasterX says:

    …they figured us out.

    7th Column members unite!

    • Monkey_lord says:

      Crap. Situation critical; plan compromised. 117 armored company and 343 grenadier company move to designated coordinates.

  13. Kirkland calling with messages for our friends.

    “There is a fire at the travel agency. . . repeat. . . There is a fire at the travel agency.”

    “Wounds my heart with a monotonous languor. . . repeat. . . Wounds my heart with a monotonous languor.”

    “Molasses tomorrow will bring forth cognac. . . repeat. . . Molasses tomorrow will bring forth cognac.”

    “John has a long mustache. . . repeat. . . John has a long mustache.”

    That is all.

    • Radius says:

      Accknowlaged. Proceding as planed. Prepare for Countersignal.

      “Nightmares trouble the tiger’s sleep… repeat… Nightmares trouble the tiger’s sleep.”

      Transmission terminated.

  14. Morhek says:

    Let our hunger be satiated by battle, and our thirst be quenched by the blood of our foes! The age of Microsoft is over – the age of Bungie has only just begun!

  15. WolfSarge says:

    We’re f**ked!

    Wait, I’m one of those loyal “partisan” supporters. Good.

  16. Naepa34 says:

    I’m still waiting for bungie’s call to all its loyal fans to assemble for their assault. They would have an army.

  17. Radius says:

    Reporting for duty SIR!

    The 1st Midwest Liberation Army is ready to deploy, and is massing at local gamming centers. Reports are comming in from headquarters at Robot Entertainment that troops are ready to use denial of service attacks on government websites, destroy opposing FPS’s, and cause havock among others from our homes. Our Spec Ops forces (Those few who are physicaly able to walk more than 50 feet) have been equiped with Recon armor and are set to sabatoge air conditioners to government buildings, cut internet connections to enemy high command (The leaders will be unable to view pr0n, and will slowly die off), and build smaller secondary Slingshots-of-Doom.

    We are awaiting orders from Bungie Supreem HQ and General BS Angel.


    • Radius says:

      Denial of service attacks have comenced! Those fools! They think it is the North Koreans. Let’s show them who they’re dealing with.


      1st Midwest, Out.

  18. Cornerstream says:

    Oh Well, atleast we know what side to be on when the time comes.

  19. DethPwn says:

    Initiate Step 7even!

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