The Katonian Press: Peggle Institute in a Frenzy Over Substance Abuse Scandal

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Peggle Institute in a Frenzy Over Substance Abuse Scandal

peggleSeattle, WA – Allegations of substance abuse echo through the hallowed halls of The Peggle Institute, the Nation’s foremost academy devoted to the Peggle arts, as a former employee prepares to publish a tell-all book.  But the target of these allegations might surprise you.  It isn’t the students who are getting high, says the whistle-blower, it’s the faculty.

“Listen, anybody who has been around The Institute knows that the Masters aren’t as squeaky clean as they appear to be.  I’m just the first person brave enough to step forward and tell what I know.” Peggle Masters, as they are called, are world-renowned experts in their field, and the Institute’s faculty is comprised of some of the most brilliant Peggle minds on the planet.

Hungry Hippo, former faculty member and Peggle Master, says his new book will expose the dark secrets behind the illustrious center for learning. In “Behind the Orange Curtain:  My Life in the Cult of Peggle,” Hippo catalogs the excesses he supposedly witnessed during his time there and specifically outs a number of prominent individuals.

Founder and Director of the Institute, Bjorn Unicorn, denies the allegations.  “The serious accusations against our renowned staff are patently false,” he said in a statement released to the press.  “I am outraged by this blatant attempt to profit by tarnishing the reputations of our respected Masters.”

Hippo, whose specialty as a Peggle Master revolved around eating, finds Bjorn’s denial hard to swallow.  “It’s in his best interest to cover up the whole thing.  It’s no secret that his accreditation has come under scrutiny numerous times. And why shouldn’t it be?  He basically dreamed up the whole ‘Peggle Institute’ scheme over a bowl of Afghani hash in some Amsterdam ‘coffee shop’.”

Hippo’s book alleges that behind closed doors, Bjorn fomented a party atmosphere among his faculty, either encouraging or turning a blind eye toward the excesses and abuses of his fellow Masters.  “Take Jimmy Lightning, for example,” explains Hippo. “Classic speed freak.  I can’t say I ever saw the Unicorn supply him with the stuff, but I know they go way back, and that Bjorn liked it when his old friend was rolling.  Made him feel good–made everyone around him feel good.  The guy is crazy, full of energy. Felt good just being near him, ya know? And if you impressed him, he’d lavish on the compliments.”

But this supposed lifestyle of excess carried with it risks.  “Lightning was also a bit of a liability,” says Hippo.  “He partied hard, and it took its toll–you could tell he wasn’t quite right.  Bjorn knew it, but like I said, they were old pals.  You know that ridiculous gear he [Jimmy Lightning] always wears around?  The helmet, the pads, etc.?  He claimed it was part of his ‘image’, and the Institute played it off as some type of marketing move to appeal to the ‘extreme generation’, but the truth is that it was a mandate from Bjorn.  He knew that Lightning was a danger to himself, and he couldn’t risk the bad publicity if the crazy gopher ended up maiming himself while out of his gourd, especially if it was in front of the student body.”

Although Hungry Hippo paints his accusations with a wide brush, his book stops short of labeling everyone as a “drug fiend”, instead choosing to attack the qualifications and questionable backgrounds of other faculty.  “Ironically, I think Tula was the soberest of the bunch.  The hippie-chick thing was just an act to get attention.  You know what she did before Bjorn hired her on?  She was an accountant for a Fortune 500 company.  Can you imagine?  And don’t get me started on Splork, who is clearly an illegal.”

Perhaps most shocking is that not even the most venerated of faculty escapes Hippo’s attacks.  “Master Hu is considered practically sacrosanct, but I’m here to tell you that he’s no more venerable than the rest of the lot.  He claims to be tapping into some mystical Zen powers, but one look in those eyes and you can tell that he’s not channeling Buddhism, he’s riding high on some serious shit!  Just sit in one of his classes and try to tell me that junk food floating in space is part of a normal curriculum.”

Only one faculty or staff member mentioned in Hippo’s book could be reached for comment.  When we called the office number listed for Mr. Lightning, he answered the phone and yelled what sounded like “Dudical!” before hanging up.  Further calls were not returned.

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12 Responses to The Katonian Press: Peggle Institute in a Frenzy Over Substance Abuse Scandal

  1. tortacular says:

    This explains why I can’t beat some of those challenges!

    • bs angel says:

      I know, right? I always use Zen ball guy personally so let him stay on whatever he’s on please!

  2. DethPwn says:

    This reference may be a bit vague, but I’ll go for it. ”Master Hu was pretty bad, but let’s not even START on the Drunkard Chu!” Let’s see who got it!

  3. GeneralCupcakes says:

    Peggle: So difficult, it deserves a published strategy guide.


  4. LAZR Blade 14 says:

    I think I’ve cleaned up from my recent Peggle addiction.

  5. MoltenSlowa says:

    I wonder if we can make a “Peggle” disease video…

    • bs angel says:

      If someone makes it, I could be the person suffering from it. Goodness knows I’m addicted enough to that game to qualify for that role, LOL …

    • DethPwn says:

      It could be like one of those ‘The More You Know’ shorts. I can see it now! ‘You’re tired from work. You make a snack, maybe have a drink, then play Peggle for a few hours. What’s wrong with this picture? I think you know. ‘

    • Kato says:

      DAD: [holding a cigar box and pulling out a copy of Peggle] Your mom found this while cleaning your room? Who taught you how to do this stuff?
      KID: You, all right! I learned it by watching YOU!
      ANNOUNCER: Parents who play Peggle have children who play Peggle.

      (But maybe I’m the only one here old enough to remember those ads)

  6. purplesteve says:

    Ha ha another great read, loved every one so far.

    • Kato says:

      I’m going to hold you to that when I write a really awful one. You can come to my defense.

      • purplesteve says:

        Ill just post a link to your red faction post and all shall be forgiven ;)

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