The Katonian Press: Sledgehammer Wielding Maniac Terrorizes Mars

The Katonian Press, a regular offering brought to you by the evil genius and criminal mastermind behind the always scintillating WITFITS, will soon be your best source for weekly fake gaming news, assuming it’s not already. Grab a cup of coffee, open up The Katonian Press, and enjoy it for what it is: a satirical look at various things gaming-related.

Sledgehammer Wielding Maniac Terrorizes Mars

Red Faction: GuerrillaParker, Mars – EDF security officers are on the lookout for a vigilante they blame for a recent wave of violence and dozens of acts of sabotage throughout the mining sector of Parker.  The suspect has been identified as Alec Mason, an immigrant salvage worker with alleged ties to the terrorist group Red Faction.  Authorities warned that Mason is armed and a highly unstable individual.  If spotted he should be reported to your local curfew officer or security detail.  He should not be approached.

An EDF officer who has witnessed firsthand the fugitive’s handiwork, spoke on the condition of anonymity.  “This guy shows up on a transport last week and almost immediately starts a guerrilla campaign against the free people of Mars.  An EDF detail stopped him for a routine security screening and the guy goes ape shit, spouting off about his rights and some brother of his.  They asked him for his papers and tried to talk some sense into him, when he pulls out the biggest sledgehammer you’ve ever seen and starts swinging.  The order came down to pacify him when all of the sudden his Red Faction cronies pop up outta nowhere and open fire on the squad.  It was a massacre!”

That incident sparked a spree of violence and destruction that has shook the normally quiet mining sector.  EDF authorities are anxious to apprehend the terrorist, fearing for the public’s safety.  The anonymous source explains: “The guy is a real nut job.  When he’s not runnin’ around taking pot shots at officers or careening down the streets in stolen mining equipment, he’s doing his best to lay waste to every structure in sight.  I never seen anything like it.  He must be sittin’ on one hell of a demo cache:  we’ve got reports of blast from every major mining facility in the sector.  But what I want to know is: who gave THIS guy a permit?  I tried last year to get a variance from the Zoning Office to add a little three-seasons room on to my quonset hut and got denied no less than three times.  But, hey, the guy with ties to the Red Faction who just shows up on a transport one day?  Sure, let’s just greenlight that guy’s explosives permit.  We’ll even throw in a few charges on the house. Don’t make no damn sense.”

It would also appear that this vigilante is living up to his family name.  “He carries around a sledgehammer, I guess he thinks it suits him, ya know?  ‘Mason’.  Clever.  But dude has to be on some major stims or something–he swings that hammer like Paul Bunyan.  I seen some security footage where he takes down a fucking giant support beam with like one swing.  Unreal. I think we’ve got a case of some serious stim-rage here.”

A side effect of the destructive rampage has been a renewed interest in the structural viability of facilities across Mars.  Critics claim that a majority of refineries and factories were built on the cheap with substandard concrete that “crumbles like plaster if you even look at it funny” and steel supports that “might as well be made of aluminum”.  Some have criticised lax workplace safety regulations, pointing out obvious violations such as leaving highly volatile fuel tanks stacked and unsecured near critical building supports.  The Martian Office of Occupational Safety could not be reached for comment.

Authorities warn to be on the lookout for any suspicious behavior.  “The other day we got reports that he took a swing at an officer with an ostrich.  An ostrich!  Where the fuck did he get that?!  You’d have to smuggle that shit in.”

The suspect is considered armed and very dangerous.

witfits [at] gmail [dot] com
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14 Responses to The Katonian Press: Sledgehammer Wielding Maniac Terrorizes Mars

  1. LordOsiris says:

    RF: Guerrilla? I want to play this, but I cannot justify 70 bucks on it right now. Good piece though!

  2. I traded in a buttload of original xbox games to get this at Gamecrazy. Worth every penny.

  3. Heh.

  4. Tactful says:

    I loled, could’ve been more effective with a more realistic scenario though… Infamous maybe? Prototype?

    • Kato says:

      Alas, I haven’t played Prototype or Infamous yet. I only work from what I know :)

  5. StuntDouble2483 says:

    I’ve been playing this game like a crack head needing a fix. The other day I found a tank and proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes leveling every building in the Badlands. Haven’t had so much fun in a videogame since the Runway level in GoldenEye (inifinite ammo, health, and all guns turned on. I must have slaughtered half the russian army that day), and I haven’t even touched the multiplayer, which I hear is solid as well.

  6. FishType1 says:

    Single player:

    Red Faction 2 > Red Faction: Guerilla

    • ZombieErection says:

      We don’t speak about RF2.
      and RF1’s multiplayer was better.

  7. MoltenSlowa says:

    I’ll admit, this gave me quite the laugh when I woke up and found my browser open to HMB.

    Also, it’s front paged on, so that must be a good thing!

  8. Dexican117 says:

    I laughed my ass off at the bit about the substandard concrete and the ostrich. where did the ostrich come from?

  9. Cliffae says:

    “The other day we got reports that he took a swing at an officer with an ostrich. An ostrich! Where the fuck did he get that?! You’d have to smuggle that shit in.” …. lol, a little pee just came out :p

  10. GeneralCupcakes says:

    Over 400 EDF soldiers have been massacred from my sledgehammer, “Sledgsicle”.

  11. SebassP4 says:

    haha, who here only kills with the hammer? That’d be me. I rape with it.

  12. Willy says:

    now I need to go play online…curse you, internet blogs, for reminding me of the ostrich!

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