HPTBTSOOM: The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

halo 3 screenshotYou are in the middle of a particularly intense game of Team Slayer on Construct. Finding yourself on the wrong end of the sniper rifle, you spend your forced ten second break taking a few deep breaths and silently reciting a quick self-affirmation. You respawn under gold, grab the nearest battle rifle, and head up the lift. Patiently waiting for you at the top are two members of the opposing team but thanks to a few well-placed grenades and a handful of spot-on br bursts, you successfully take them both down. Before your shields can fully recover, one of their teammates comes charging around the corner and finishes you off with some uncontrolled stray assault rifle bullets. Unable to do anything but watch the horror unfolding in front of your eyes, you realize you just had the misfortune of crossing paths with The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger.

The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is not the person who deftly out br’ed you in a fair and square fight to the death admist the tight corridors of boxes on Foundry. That person is known as the I Just Fragged You And Now I’m Gonna Bag You Guy. The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is also not the person who expertly flailed their long barrel within a ridiculously close range and took you out with just a single sniper round. That person has earned their nickname of the First Comes The No Scope Then Comes The Nut Poke Guy. The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger is the person that takes you out right after you singlehandedly kill multiple members of his team who then decides to assert his overinflated sense of superiority by dipping his testicles into your deceased and not so welcoming mouth.

Despite the fact that you just killed several of his buddies with nothing more than what you spawned with, despite the fact that you had little to no shields when he happened to come across your clinging to life body, and despite the fact that he was graced with the luckiest and timeliness spawn known to all of Spartankind, this particularly irksome player seems to think his basic janitorial skills are enough to justify repeatedly shoving his nads into someone’s oral cavity. You will finish the game with a glowingly positive kill to death ratio while he will have two kills and 20 deaths. You will beat him in every single one v. one encounter while he complains about lag, host, and his inability to secure a power weapon. Yet you will still be forced to watch his not all the way dropped balls bounce off your face simply because you were weak from a previous battle. Hey Mr. Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger, why don’t you fucking earn your kills before teabagging your opponents? Oh wait, probably because you can’t, you inept I-always-have-to-go-fourth-because-the-only-thing-I-am-capable-of-doing-is-cleaning-up douchebag.

44 Responses to HPTBTSOOM: The Flagrantly Fallacious Teabagger

  1. Cardz says:

    You forgot that they often teabag ground six feet away from you, unaware of how dumb they look.

    • Araknoros says:

      it angers me when they teabag meh face after i just got that overkill extirmination and they pick me off with random nade or my fav (pray and spray) but when they teabag my AR i just lawl

  2. Mace Windex says:

    How about MLG-having-gamertag-nonstop-trashtalking-evenwhenlosing-belowaverageskill-asshat? Those are my favourite. I call them MLG Your Hair Smells Terrific.

    • bs angel says:

      My hair smells terrific! Can I get a super awesome nickname too?

  3. Those are some of my favorites.. The ones that talk so much trash in the pre-game lobby that it makes a floating barge of trash look small in comparison. They talk about how they are going to stomp you into the ground because you suck and they clearly are better. Then, when the game is played out, they have no skill at all and their team loses quite handily. Your team, ready with a good game in the postgame lobby is denied because the trash talker makes a quick exit before you even notice.

  4. Shirdel7221 says:

    I am afraid that I am a bit like that. Only more skilled. I’ve been playing since May. Only not on Xbox LIVE until January.

  5. LAZR Blade 14 says:

    The frightening part is, I used to be one of those people.

    • ReverendTiki says:

      the funny thing is i still am one of those people. I personally like to teabag people i didnt even kill. :)

  6. BerserkerBarage says:

    I have always found those types of tea-baggers to be the most humorous and the most pathetic. Do they not realize that they are tea-baggin’ you in a ring made of “red-Xs” of his teammates?

    I guess they feel a bit of pride that they were able to do something that the rest of their team couldn’t. However, they overlook the fallacious part of all, in that they were only able to defeat you after slaughtering the rest of the other team. No matter, I’m droppin’ the nuts on a dude I only had to shoot 2 times with AR rounds. I iz proz son!

    ~B.B.

  7. A Shaky Shotgun says:

    I had one of those on Team Melee this past weekend. Killed his two teammates, last one with a sword battle, leaving me with no shields, he decides that because he killed me, it’s teabag time. Teabagging, IMO, shows immaturity and poor sportsmanship.

  8. ReverendTiki says:

    I LOVE teabagging. Its just a funny thing to do. I hate when people get overly offended by it, ITS JUST A GAME!! I often teabag in the hopes the other team will get mad about it and teabag me back and then have teabag wars.

    I can also guarantee that when my team is getting absolutely destroyed in battle is when the teabag comes out the most. Nothing makes people more angry then when the people they are crushing start teabagging.

    • Tortacular says:

      If it’s somebody you know, teabagging is fun. If it’s not, I don’t see the point. But then I’m an adult.

      • SonofMacPhisto says:

        I agree Tort. I also enjoy teabagging AI opponents. For some reason, that strikes me as particularly silly.

        I mean, you have to demonize SOMEONE to get through the day, right? Might as well be the AI. :D

      • bs angel says:

        I will drop my extremely large virtual balls on the faces of only my dearest friends. In fact, in customs over the weekend I was happily teabagging one of my buddies when he politely informed me I was actually squatting over his big toe. I thought that was probably the case because it was the biggest thing on his body but I kept that to myself. ;)

  9. Captain Spark says:

    For the last week or so I’ve been seeing a lot of tea-bagging going on. Spring is in the air, so it must be due to rising hormones or something? It is fun to kill a enemy tea-bagging a downed team mate. I got a nice little triple kill the other day on Valhalla with a Rocket. My team mate said he was watching his death-cam and all of a sudden a rocket took out all three enemy players tea-bagging him. Sweet revenge on the baggers baby!

  10. Crazeye0 says:

    What is worse, when other people who didn’t actualy kill you run a long after any enemy is dead, and decide to teabag you, even though they were ages away from any action and were probably cowering behind the nearest wall >_>

    Oh, and people on your team who teabag your kills, seriously…

  11. FoxmanFX says:

    At a certian point I just stop caring. They are looking to get a rise out of me – get me angry and lose my focus.

    I meet an oppoent for all of 5 min in some random game. Sorry, no matter how hard you try to be a dick I still fail to care.

    Now, I’ve met a few opponents that after a game we team up cause they are awsome to play against and a lot of fun – those are the people I save my energy and care for.

  12. Ragingterror says:

    Hm… played a few games like this recently, have you? >_<

  13. Firestream says:

    The absolute funniest thing I have read in a while. Thank you.

  14. MGH1138 says:

    This made my day. Freakin’ BRILLIANT use of alliteration.

    Also, while reading, I kept hearing that guy from the Bud Light commercials singing “Real Men of Genius.” XD

    • MK28 says:

      I don’t know so much; could do with some diction editing. Like the ‘I Just Fragged You And Now I’m Gonna Bag You Guy’. I don’t see that rolling off my tongue in conversation: ‘Frag n Bag’ guy, sure, it’s short and descriptive enough to say the same thing.

      And I see nothing wrong with a scavenge run; I’ve done it myself, consider it a mercy killing… admittedly you’re not worthy to have my balls teasingly dangled into the mouth of your lifeless corpse, but if I already don’t like you from previous encounters, expect manly growls of deelight! ;)
      Oh yeah, Plum-flavoured Tea.

      Now deliberately holding back while your crew go in, that’s plain dirty, especially if you’re finely equipped and it’s a storm, not a staggered attack.

  15. HellCat says:

    I only do it when something good happens to me e.g. no scope, stick across the map or multi kills. Sometimes i teabag sometimes i melee the air or i crouch and jump at the same time. Btw This is very written made me smile =)

  16. Spencer says:

    The best is when you see someone tea-bagging your own body, then start tea bagging your own dead body with them. Then when they realize you are there, you assassinate them… Good times… Good times…

    • bs angel says:

      LOL, quite gratifying indeed!

  17. Chewbeccawacca says:

    I agree, tea-baggers of all colors bother me. I can understand feeling elated over a hard-won skirmish, but for me it ends there. At the VERY most, and after only the most INTENSE of fire fights, I may concede the rare ‘victory melee’ as I go looking for more action. Frankly the rising popularity of necrophilia amongst the gaming community is rather unsettling.

    • MGH1138 says:

      Agreed. I never celebrate a victory. I’m more interested in the next challenge than the previous one.

    • REM says:

      Spinning in circles is a more dignified form of “celebration” than tea-bagging…

  18. LordOsiris says:

    If I killed you, you will taste my bag.
    If not, then you will soon.

    • ReverendTiki says:

      agreed

  19. Penguin_Ninjoid says:

    If I kill someone and I’m proud of it, I usually just melee their body as I run past. Now, if I killed somebody and I’m damned impressed with myself over it, then I’ll teabag you. Or if you died in a humorous way. Especially if you’re a teammate who died in a humorous way.

    >_>

    • SonofMacPhisto says:

      When you say ‘teammate who died in a humorous way’ don’t you mean ‘teammate I betrayed?’ ;)

  20. DethPwn says:

    I don’t mind a post-kill skull fuck if my opponent deserved it. Hell, I may applaude/encourage it. But what kind of horse shit-eating n00b would pull such an opportunistic corpse hump? If I teabag someone I either got a nasty kill or am trying to screw with my friend. Otherwise you’re just a little bitch laying claim to that which does not belong to you.

    • Deadlock says:

      Its all in the name of fun dude, no need to get passionate lol.

      Btw, this article inspired me to start teabagging lol. Hearing your opponent scream at you in the post game lobby sounds too fun to bear without.

  21. GeneralCupcakes says:

    most people that Tea-Bag usually can’t aim and start humping you legs or your chest.

  22. Mondo Titan says:

    My favorite thing about this kind of player is they usually spend too much time t-bagging (the spot next to you). just long enough for a teammate to toss a grenade or swat them in the back, killing them for their misplaced cockiness. isnt it great to have friends?

  23. Sean C84 says:

    Personally, I never teabag, unless I’m playing friends who will know it’s a joke.

  24. B-b-but, the only thing I’m capable of is cleaning up…

    Ah well, at least I don’t teabag.

  25. BerserkerBarage says:

    If you play with people who are wearing Recon and/or a flaming helmet, this process is amplified by about 3.14^100.

    IF you want video proof, check out Obi Wan Stevobi’s “weapons of mass distractions”.

    ~B.B.

  26. Mysterioso2006 says:

    I hate t-bagging ! The excuses of legit strategies and “If you don’t like it play something else” (I have gotten these numerous times) are absolutely stupid! T-bagging is immature and stupid, and if our society has come to sticking your pixelated balls into the face of another group of pixels, than I say get a life!

  27. amaru215 says:

    sometimes when i out BR someone i’ll run over and switch to an AR, or Magnum, or whatever else I have and empty a clip into them. i think that’s funnier than teabagging. teabagging is only for friends…or the ass clowns that talk all the shit in the pregame

    • amaru215 says:

      additionally, i don’t know what it is about me, whether it’s intentional or not, but i seem to be the one who gets stuck like eight times after i die. it’s so ridiculous. I just watch in horror as my lifeless corpse turns blue and flies in all directions…and then it happens again…

  28. Odus4 says:

    I only teabag someone who teabags me because usually this pisses them off to no end because by their ridiculous logic its ok for them to teabag someone but not to be teabagged in return and many people when they get angry start to play worse which is even better because most of them suck to begin with, but after they lose their cool because you teabagged them they play like a chicken with its head cut off with their only goal being to kill you with complete disregard for their own life or their teammates which just makes them an even easier kill

    • xCxSTRYKEx says:

      That’s exactly what I do! AND I make sure I’m on their face and not somewhere else.

      But I gotta say, the funniest thing in Halo is when people teabag the ground five feet away and melee, yet still don’t know where they are.

  29. yoogleific says:

    I didn’t know I played a game with her, shes talkin about me

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