HPTBTSOOM: The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

halo 3 screenshotAfter a seemingly endless streak of objective-based gametypes on the always frigid Avalanche, you and your party suddenly find yourselves blessed with a rare game on Last Resort. Despite having an assault rifle start, you are still excited to play on this wonderfully nostalgic map. The game starts, you get the typical beach spawn, and you excitedly start the short trek up the stairs. Then you make the ruinous realization you are directly behind The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile.

The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile is not the person who is running dangerously low on battle rifle ammo and heads to the nearest spawn to grab a much needed reload. That person is referred to as the I Only Have Four Bursts Left and I Need at Least Eight to Get a Kill Guy. The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile is also not the person who accidentally picks up the invisibility power-up forgetting it is better utilized by someone else. That person is called the I Forgot I Have Fire Coming Out of My Head So Now I’m a Floating Flaming Helmet Guy. The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile is the greedy player who always thinks of himself while conveniently forgetting he has several equally important teammates who occasionally find themselves needing items on the map as well.

So you’re running up the stairs, eager to get your hands on a midrange weapon so you can start peppering the other team from afar. As you near the two battle rifles leaning against the wall, you watch in horror as your grabby teammate snatches the first one then promptly runs over the second one taking a significant portion of its ammo with him. Irritated with his selfishness, you pick up the rifle that is now low on ammo, engage in a few battles, and promptly find yourself completely out of rounds.  It’s then that you notice The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile who took the majority your ammo stupidly ventured off on his own, died an instant death, and graciously left an almost full battle rifle for someone on the other team. Now your opponent has plenty of ammo while you are without, all thanks to your stupid fucktard of a teammate who doesn’t know how to share. The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile doesn’t stop there though. Oh no, this delightfully brilliant person also loves grabbing the invisibility power-up and then the overshield on top of it. Because leaving either of those for a teammate would be preposterous. Another signature move of The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile occurs frequently during Multi Team VIP. Right upon spawning this person will snag the two nearest weapons and then go running off, leaving his VIP nearly defenseless with the embarassingly ineffective pistol and no other weapons in the near vicinity. Seriously Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile, quit running around with the shotty and the sword and fucking buy yourself a clue instead. A clue that preferably says, “Leave something for the rest of us, will ya?!”

44 Responses to HPTBTSOOM: The Gluttonous Must Pick Up Everything Imbecile

  1. Man, you can tell that you get angrier and angrier while you’re writing this. XD

  2. [QQ Church] says:

    I think I experienced those people in Halo PC.

    I loled at the way you mention the Flaming Recon armor. Does Bungie really use those armors on purpose just to give people free kills while they’re on camo?

  3. bs angel says:

    It’s that obvious, eh Queen 0f Blades? Oops, LOL …

  4. Skibur says:

    Oh no… Don’t you write one about bad Warthog drivers… :S

  5. Das Kalk says:

    good, good. Let the hate flow through you…

  6. AusQB says:

    I played a few games of Team Flag with a guy who would grab two power weapons, such as the Sniper Rifle and Spartan Laser, and then go hide in the snug innards of a Tank, rendering his weapons useless.

    He was a friend of mine, by association, but he was a douche.


  7. Jim 028 says:

    There’s nothing more annoying than picking up a weapon from it’s spawn point and finding it near empty. It’s right old kick in the nadgers especially if you then have to engage the opposition in a firefight.
    That said while I do try and avoid that second BR when picking up sometimes I clip close enough to swipe it. Sorry angel i din’t mean to. :(

  8. Morpheus says:

    I once picked up a BR that had just spawned(I watched the film and nobody touched it the 7 seconds it was up) and when I picked it up, there were only 9 bullets left. I was like, “Oh my god!!!” And of course, the sniper rounds the corner.

  9. ApolloDoom says:

    I admit that if I am playing Halo 3 drunk then I become this guy. Mostly because all sense of strategy goes out the window and I just say to myself:

    “Ooo! This is useful! No wait, THIS is more useful, no this, no this!”

  10. jdubbs11sof says:

    Which is why it is so much more enjoyable to play with people you know and trust. Take the last two weekends in MM while playing with the group here we had great success and a ton of fun.

    In those matches people will ask for a weapon or at least communicate what weapons they are grabbing so that when you walk around a corner or through a shield door you will not run into shotgun camper or rocket man. Communication is everything in team Halo matches.

    On a side note this is also why I usually will automatically veto game types that are non-BR start on certain maps. Do you want to spawn with and AR and Pistol on Standoff, sandtrap, even avalanche only to be running around looking for the BR spawn. If everyone always spawned with a mid range weapon this would not be as big of an issue.

  11. Captain Spark says:

    You booted Wu?

  12. CYBRFRK says:

    Wu does have a tendency to grab, dash and die. I think it comes with old age and his lack of actual playing. It’s a good thing he has a steel-trap-like memory to run the site, since he doesn’t pick up knowledge via actual game play. Mr. Wu, the forums only get you so far ;-)

    Come play with me!

  13. Louis Wu says:

    I think maybe my tongue wasn’t buried far enough in my cheek when I wrote that newspost this morning. I’d hoped the “multi-team slayer/CTF/VIP conglomeration in a playlist that only existed for a few minutes” description would be a tipoff… but hey, sometimes my insanely high credibility gets me in trouble.

    I’m sorry I maligned Hawty’s graciousness like that – she’d only be able to boot me if she accepted my game invites. ;)

  14. XMixMasterX says:

    Isn’t this the same guy that kills us for weapons???

    Maybe I’m confusing him with his slightly more aggressive cousin…

  15. -S- says:

    Louis Wu = Busted.

    This was a great write up. I play MLG about 75% of the time, but when I go to play around with my friends in social stuff like this ALWAYS happens. That “Last Resort” running up the stairs and getting both BR’s happened last week and we literally yelled at my friend for doing it for about 20 minutes lol.

    So epic.

  16. Brain Doner says:

    I read this and the only thing i could think was, It must be that time of the month.

    JK :D

    For the reasons you stated, I try not to join up and play with randoms. At least if my friends pick this stuff up i can bitch and yell obscenities at them and we all get a laugh. Lots of laughs when a friend grabs the sniper and fires off 8 rounds and gets no kills… hehehehe…

  17. Angel’s mind is in a dark place right now…….

    Do it, strike your enemies down in anger, use your hatred and turn it into power!

  18. CYBRFRK says:

    Louis is such a kidder.

  19. cybrfrk says:

    Or is he?

  20. Evil Otto says:

    “I Forgot I Have Fire Coming Out of My Head So Now I’m a Floating Flaming Helmet Guy”


  21. AT-AT says:

    While I agree with most everything in this article, The pistol can be quite effective. It definitely has a large learning curve, but it’s not a useless weapon.

  22. Mike says:

    isnt it great when that guy with the sword and shotgun runs straight at a guy with a needler? those are the best… its not like the guy is going to do anything BUT run in a straight line and take out the shotgun to fire wildly at an opponent 20 yards away while getting pelted in the face with pink crystals of irony

  23. bs angel says:

    “multi-team slayer/CTF/VIP conglomeration in a playlist that only existed for a few minutes”

    Best playlist ever! And I only booted him because he happened to know the shape of Italy. It’s not my fault he knows his geography.

  24. Gilver says:

    Wowzas…I really hope I don’t do that..

    I never pay attention to the BR thing…

    And I’ve seen PLENTY of people pick up the ‘splazer when I say I’m godly with it…I, of course, am nice enough to just whine and walk away…Usually when someone ELSE thinks they are better with the splazer…they kill me and take it away…

    What do you call those guys??

  25. DeepCee says:

    If I ever did grab extra ammo ( IF )…then I would sacrifice myself so my team mates could live.

    “Come on…kill me. It’s the only way you can survive. You have to do it” (cue dramatic music)

  26. Wraith7n says:

    I found this entire string of comments to be amusing. I hadn’t considered the results of having a flaming head while cloaked. I can see how that might be a drawback.

  27. SPOC XLI says:


  28. JadedTarget says:

    A bit harsh, Angel, but I do horde ammo. When I’m on the other side of the map, though, I’ll graciously pick up a sniper rifle, jack a Mongoose, and roll back to my teammates and drop it for one of them. But I tend to stay alive and put as much ammo on as many enemies as possible, so I always pick up extra rounds. Especially when I start on Last Resort’s beach. lol.

    But I do hate the people who grab something like a shotgun and then charges the enemy. It’s best left for the base defender or the more stealthy player. I’ll grab it and use it as a backup weapon since I tend to get into peoples’ faces but these people really do grab good guns just to deliver them to the enemy. Like the rocket guy that runs across the map and tries to stick the enemy because he wants a multikill instead of just one kill, gets horribly humiliated, and gets the rest of us killed with one shot each time we spawn. People are just jerks, that’s why I recommend playing with a full party. At least they know what I’m going to horde and what I’m going to avoid. lol

    Great rant… Writeup. Yeah, totally a great writeup. :)

  29. falcon011 says:

    Yeah, that’s why I try to get a full party together every time i play.

    Also, apparently no one knows about the other two battle rifles that spawn on the opposite side of the wall, one at the top of the stairs and one at the bottom. Those are the one’s I like to grab just because nobody else does.

  30. bs angel says:

    And I’ve seen PLENTY of people pick up the ’splazer when I say I’m godly with it…I, of course, am nice enough to just whine and walk away…Usually when someone ELSE thinks they are better with the splazer…they kill me and take it away…

    What do you call those guys??

    They sound like a version of The Asinine Weapon Caller. I’ve got you covered, no worries!

    And falcon011, I always grab the one tucked in the window to the right of hole in the wall. Then I go harass the person on the other team going for sniper. :)

  31. falcon011 says:

    Yay! Froman is my haunt.

  32. Tortacular says:

    Godly with the splaser? Mostly you call them Tortacular.

  33. TrAvIs 6t6 says:

    You need to make one of these about the dude that drives the warthog away leaving his 7 teammates behind with only a mongoose and the guy who uses weapons and equipment in entirely wrong places (power-draining teammates, close-quarters rockets, trip mine in own base, etc.)

  34. TheLoot says:

    Annoyed easily much? God forbid anyone should be allowed to play differently than you want them to…. Granted, some valid points were made, but maybe communication is the problem. Do they know someone else on the team might utilize something better? Maybe, but everyone has moment of self-importance, and the Internet, in general, is not a place of smart, considerate people.

  35. bs angel says:

    Anybody who takes these HPTBTSOOM articles as something other than silly entertainment is setting themselves up for an expenditure of wasted energy. I don’t take it seriously, and you shouldn’t either. :)

  36. CorporateKiller says:

    Sometimes at the beginning of a game I’ll call out weapons just to be sarcastic. I try to use a high pitched nasally voice and call all of them at once, just to annoy my teamates. In my opinion though, a far more effective strategy is to rush the enemies’ power weapons, even if you can’t secure it and die, the guy who got to it first usually doesn’t end up with it. This way the ‘good’ sniper respawns with an AR while some lucky douchebag teamate who can’t snipe picks it off his corpse.

  37. JuJoo Guppy says:

    To be honest, I’d quick Mr. Wu too. I do it all the time. He tends to betray me and my team mates more than the enemy…


  38. Mondo Titan says:

    after reading this earlier today, i didnt think much more of it. but then, much later into the day (and truthfully, starting on the next one) i had the privilege of play some games with BSG Marmot and BS Angel. now, when i ‘m dead i usually flick around to see what my other team mates are up to. one particular instance brought up an image that caught me off guard: http://www.bungie.net/Online/Halo3UserContentDetails.aspx?h3fileid=58124409&lc=1033

    what do you have to say for your self Angel?

  39. Louis Wu says:

    He tends to betray me and my team mates more than the enemy…

    LIEZ! Dirty, filthy liez.

    Mrs. Guppy gets betrayed now and then… but you can’t tell me she doesn’t have it coming.

  40. bs angel says:

    I knew I was in trouble when I saw you going into theater after we were done playing Mondo!!

  41. Pingback: What Kind of a Person Picks Up the Cloak, OS, and Rockets?! « Hawty McBloggy Invites You to Play

  42. Mondo Titan says:

    I had no choice, the Halo GoDz demanded it. ;]

  43. A(lex) Ha says:

    rofl ApolloDoom! I play this way when completely exhausted of playing Halo (Demo; 1, for Mac – noT available in stores).

    Not a rant, just the truth.

  44. yoogleific says:

    usually I keep my starting weapons, unless some banshee is getting annoyingly close, and I feel like showing it to my teemates …with my laser pointer, Or I feel like bultrueing my brother with the splazer

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