HPTBTSOOM: The Asinine Weapon Caller

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

halo 3 screenshotMatchmaking is searching for the perfect match for your party. An opposing team gets locked in, and you impatiently wait to find out what you will be playing next. A map pops up that happens to have a Spartan Laser on it and a shrill voice suddenly shrieks, “I want the laser!” Yup, welcome to yet another game with The Asinine Weapon Caller.

The Asinine Weapon Caller is not the person who spawns closest to the power weapon and kindly lets his team know that he is going to pick it up. That person is referred to as The I Spawned Closest And I Am Fairly Decent With It So I Will Pick It Up For This Round Team Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is also not the person who is so unbelievably skilled with it that having it in his hands guarantees certain victory. That Person has earned his name of The I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off Player. The Asinine Weapon Caller is the pompous asshole that calls a power weapon before the game even starts yet can’t do a damn thing with it.

The game has not loaded but The Asinine Weapon Caller has made it clear that he wants the laser. Of course when the game actually starts he spawns farthest from it. Of course he repeatedly shouts for nobody else to touch it. Of course everybody actually listens, just to get the ear-piercing yelps to stop for two blissful seconds. So The Asinine Weapon Caller slowly makes his way to the Spartan Laser. By the time he gets it, the other team has a multitude of vehicles on the ground and in the air. He shoots at the banshee. He misses. He shoots at the warthog. He misses. He shoots at the mongoose. Guess what? He misses. Then he gets splattered, of course without a single kill to his name. The shrieking returns to the airwaves for ten incredibly long seconds with The Asinine Weapon Caller desperately yelling, “Don’t pick up the laser! I’ll get it when I respawn!” over and over. And so begins the pattern that will continue the rest of the game. A never-ending cycle of attempting to get the laser, acquiring the laser, but not being able to do anything with the laser. Hey Asinine Weapon Caller, you have two obvious choices that I see. Learn how to use the fucking laser or QUIT PICKING IT UP. I vote for the second.

44 Responses to HPTBTSOOM: The Asinine Weapon Caller

  1. MrFibbi says:

    wow. BTW- whats an asinine?

  2. AusQB says:

    Stop, stop! This guy is giving me a headache just thinking about him.

    I am fortunate enough not to get matched up with pre-adolescent Americans (no offense to the ninety-odd percent of HM readers) too often, unless I get so desperate that I remove the “Prefer good connection” filter. There’s no denying that the majority of AWC’s fall under this demographic.

    The player that bugs me the most (and I hope I’m not spoiling a future installment of HPTBTSOOM) are the ones who command the other players in the pre-game, with all their high-pitched wailing authority, to veto the current map and gametype. Either he will scream “VETO!” over and over again until the time counts down, or he will make empty threats involving your face and his ass if you don’t conform to his orders.

    Even worse are the ones who think majority means all, and so believe that a successful veto requires everyone to press X. Honestly, I’ve even come across people who sincerely yelled out “veto” for the second map and gametype.

    What were we talking about again? Oh right, damn weapon callers. I’ve had losers betray me because I picked up a weapon they wanted. If someone was actually halfway decent at using said weapon, I would surely give it to them if they asked nicely. Even if they could go on a rampage with that weapon, I wouldn’t give it to them if they weren’t friendly about it.

    • The Real Dr Nog says:

      well it all depends on age, if you let a nine year old play, you get the asinines, if you let 13 or 14 year old on, you can only haope that they are mature, and 15-17 are usualy mature

      • Mike says:

        let me guess… are you 15 or 17? lol

  3. You are not alone AusQB, I too have been betrayed for picking up a power weapon. Once, on The Pit, I passed on a shotgun b/c another player asked to have it and instead I went for the rockets. I had managed to kill two members of the opposing team who were also running and gunning for said rockets, and picked up the hulking sPNKR only to get shotgunned/melee’d so that the person who wanted shotgun could also have the rockets.


    He was promptly sniped by the opposing team while heading for active camo shortly after.

  4. Ray says:

    I like to think that I am somewhat of a cross between the “I Spawned Closest And I Am Fairly Decent With It So I Will Pick It Up For This Round” player and the “I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off” players…

    @AusQB: I sometimes ask others to veto, but only after giving an explination why, and if they say no I drop it. Occasionally, I ask people to veto on the second map, but you can clearly hear the joking tone in my voice.

    @mendicantbias00: We’ve had our fair share of that moron… I only boot them if they had two or three other people on the same Xbox, but on the other team, lol.

    Good article! =D


  5. Butcher of Mjat says:

    Mr. Fibbi – Asinine means “ass-like”.

    I can’t stand it when people grab weapons, and then don’t do anything effective with them. I’ve been betrayed a couple of times by teammates who wanted the rocket launcher, which they then threw away by firing the rockets off in no particular direction. Dude, just ask for it! Then try firing it at the enemy.

  6. Jonathan B. says:

    Usually I play team games with my clan only, so this is no longer a problem for me. Kids shouldn’t be playing Halo 3 online anyway… they’re not technically old enough. And I love telling them that. And I love pissing them off. :)

    • Qwerty says:

      I see you’re one of those steoreotypical people who thinks kids are a waste of space. MANY of us aren’t Asinine Weapon Callers, but if you encounter one, don’t dtoop to their level. Just be calm and then when they betray you, submit an avoid this player review on their rep. That’s so you won’t play with them anymore.

      • The Real Dr Nog says:

        dtoop? hahahha, i agree, but sometimes its hard not to stoop, and i find it funny, i am a young player and sometimes the adults are the ones acting immature before i do anything.

  7. Cozmo23 says:

    Cozmo23 = Asinine Banshee Caller :)

    • Marksman says:

      I-am-a-freaking-god-with-this-thing-so-back-off Banshee caller.
      cwatididthar? And I’m actually telling the truth.

      • deora says:

        prove it

        • Marksman says:


        • Marksman says:

          No reply?
          Yeah, thats what I thought.

          Ignore the 1 minute gap since my post ^^

        • bs angel says:

          LOL … you can’t call no reply after just a minute!!

  8. setters says:

    woah – are we all feeling a bit tetchy today?? perhaps it’s time to move away from matchmaking slowly & have a little real world time….

    oh no, I forgot you can’t mute anyone in the real world or boot them!!

  9. ashame says:

    The biggest part of the ‘community’ spoils it for the rest I suppose. I’m not a real online Halo fan and these type of stories will keep me away from it even more.

  10. bs angel says:

    Ashame, while I may rant and rave on a semi-frequent basis about these sorts of things, it’s in a good natured manner and all in fun. Nothing I bitch about is a deal breaker for playing online. If that would have been the case, I would have quit Live long ago. Play in full parties of people from your friends list, and utilize the heck out of that mute button.

    These silly articles are more for people to read them and have that, “I totally played with someone like that the other day!” sort of moments. :)

  11. Oh yeah ashame, make sure to take these stories with a grain of salt. It doesnt matter where you go, in real life or on the internet, and you cant stay away from them all. =)

    If you play with ppl like those in the last HMB Game night, youll have a good time (especially if you like having your ass handed to you!) lol ;)

  12. ashame says:

    I know but these kinda people just annoy the hell outta me. Anyway, my 360 not getting much love after my 3rd RRoD :|

  13. Me too buddy, thats when you hide for 5 seconds and “Mute or Boot”.

    Unless you are angel, then apparently you just stick them. :)

    You should play with us sometime, it will be fun!

    • The Real Dr Nog says:

      are you saying angel has sticky balls?

  14. setters says:

    yep – play with them & hand them their arses 0n a plate :)

  15. Crazyeye0 says:

    I admit to sort of doing this before, however rather than screaming down the mic I ask politley for the laser, or just go to the laser, see it’s already been picked up and just think “Oh well, maybe when it respawns” and just kind of walk off. It’s lucky that I’m hardly ever betrayed on purpouse aswell, but on the rare occasion I get betrayed, then, I’ll get angry >=(

  16. Crazyeye0 says:

    Oh, just to add, I don’t ask for weapons I’m crap with either, that’s just stupid =/

  17. bs angel says:

    This doesn’t sound like it fits you at all then Crazyeye0. :)

  18. Sarge Tomzilla says:

    Heh, usually the first words out of my mouth if I pick up, say, a sniper rifle or spartan laser, are “Hey, um, anyone want the sniper rifle or spartan laser? I’m crap with these, but I just killed the guy using them.” Now, with the sword…..that’s a completely different story :P

    • Jango Foot says:

      i second that motion
      i am not fuking crazy………i am just damaged

  19. Crazyeye0 says:

    Indeed it dosn’t, which is a very good thing.

  20. Jango Foot says:

    I was once one of those but now i am a “The I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off”player with a list of weapons.here it is.(including vehicles) : hornet,banshee,laser,shotgun,AR,BR,sword,hammer,warthog,wraith,scorpion,rockets,ghost,magnum,all gernade types(including firebomb),and last but not least,I AM A BEAST WIT DA plasma pistol.

    so if you see some dude named jango foot in any game it is me and DO NOT TOUCH MEH MUTHAFACKIN’ PLASMA PISTOL!!!!!!!!!!!OR HOG/hammer!!!those are my best weapons!

  21. Raptorian says:

    I’d replace the laser with the sniper rifle in that rant, as it boils down to this almost every time;

    “HURR I AM BRIG I AM PRO”. Usually with betrayals too. Despite the fact there’s a Scorpion on the field, and little to stop it.

    People like the ones in the article will not stop trying to get their preffered gun. I once had two different people chasing me for the damn sniper on Valhalla. Still managed to get a killing spree before until I fell to something nasty.

    And this concludes why friendly fire sucks.

  22. rydxtfxhtxyr says:

    well your not just by your self noobs want the bansee and you geuss it he got the larzor and zap me three times(good thing he sucks at aiming)then i got sooooooooooooooo mad that i ran him over and i got booted(i bet he got the bansee after that dum noob)

    • The Real Dr Nog says:

      just let them kill you, you can just wait for the banshee when it respawns, and you can boot him too (bonus)

  23. L337MA573R says:

    I resent the bashing of 9-year-olds. Sure, their voices can be quite irritating, but as a nine-year-old during Halo 2 I always sought to prove the stereotypes false. I didn’t complain or whine, I only talked when necessary, and I didn’t suck. Looking back on that proves that 9-year-olds are capable of understanding that you’re pissed off, most of them just enjoy pissing off people who can’t spank them.

    Oh yeah, weapon callers. Surprisingly, I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen to me, although today I did have the territories/land grab thing happen to me.

    • iPurism says:

      Most people under -17 are just so annoying. I have a 12 year old sibling that shouts in the mic, orders j00 around and shit. I hate playing with him xD

  24. thebesthalo3site says:

    omg does my comments EVER get posted gee any way teens are dorks and older peoples too they think they soo coll then once again they get owned by me lol and i will make something up for that<— they are called ISC=im so cool but they suck lol any way back to that thing im a bansee caller(well i dont call for the bansee)and gee every one gos for the bansee when they dont even know what the beeping thing is(it beeps when something targets you)gee thats dum of them i call them OMGIGWTBIAGO=OMG IM GOOD WITH THIS BUT I AWAYS GET OWNED and they say omg they cheat(oh and by the way delete this comment after you read this please)

    • DL2 says:

      O.K so if teens and older people like adults are annoying to you does that mean that you only like children and seniors?

  25. thebesthalo3site says:

    to dl2 no some teens and older people are nice and kids are wayyy worse they dorky but thats the way like is who cares and i hate it when teens or older people get soo mad at me(thats when i get soo pissed off that i go \ _ /) gee now teens and older people THINK BEFORE YOU SAY IT BECAUSE IF YOU SAY IT IM GOING TO GET \ _ / AND KILL YOU SOOO BAD AT HALO THAT I WILL AT LEASE HAVE MORE THEN 10 KILLS BEFORE YOU KNOW IT AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOU DORK ^ – ^

  26. thebesthalo3site says:

    hey does any one know any site that tell you who ever copys your thing(i dont want any one to copy my spining rocket glitch vid when i get it)

  27. thebesthalo3site says:

    oh sorry about me making three comments i am a IAAFGWTTSEEBBO ( I Am A Freakin’ God With This Thing So Everybody Else Better Back Off) when it comes to bansees(i can make those missill miss me SO dont even use it

  28. Crzyricky69 says:

    So, opposed to what this lil kid is attempting to say, I sometimes, but very seldomly, call out for a weapon. As for banshees, I hate that they were ever put into multiplayer. I sometimes ask people to veto. But, like many others, I don’t repeat it every half second. I ask once and thats it.

    @thebesthalo3site Dude, seriously, you need to learn some grammar before posting. Reading your comments, I’ve gotten a headache. I know this is the internet, but geeze dude. I couldn’t even understand most of what you posted. This is my first time to the site thanks to Bungie having a link to here. I really like it too. This kid makes me wanna take out my eyeballs and just swallow them though.

    Anyways, if anyone wants to do custom 1v1 or anything, my GT is Crzyricky69.

    Absolutely a fantastic site!!

    • bs angel says:

      I have a friend who’s a beast in the banshee so any time he’s not on my team, I definitely veto. Otherwise I know I’m in for a very long 20 minutes of getting plasma blasted and splattered!

      Welcome btw! We have tons of silly fun around here and I hope you make your way back . I promise the wanting to swallow your eyeballs thing happens much less than the good times. :)

      • Crzyricky69 says:

        lol That’s a good thing. The site seems pretty cool and I love playing Halo. So if you wanna play, I’m on almost all the time. =D

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