HPTBTSOOM: The Inept Warthog Driver

HPTBTSOOM (which stands for Halo Players That Bug The Shit Out Of Me) is a series about, you guessed it, Halo players that bug the shit out of me. Think I am talking about you? Chances are I probably am. Freakin’ jerk.

halo 3 screenshotThe game starts. Someone hops into the driver’s seat of the warthog and quickly calls for a gunner. You spawned closest so you hop in, ready for a ruthless rampage. Until you discover you got stuck with The Inept Warthog Driver that is.

The Inept Warthog Driver is not the person that flips the hog every time they run over a dainty dandelion or a tiny pebble. Oh no, that person is called the You Think This Is Bad You Should See Me In A Mongoose Driver. The Inept Warthog Driver is also not the person that speeds headfirst into the instantly recognizable bright red beam of complete and utter destruction. That particular person is the Why Did Nobody Tell Me They Had the Laser Driver. The Inept Warthog Driver is the teammate that deftly zips around the map, skillful enough to dodge enemy fire, smart enough to seek cover when his gunner’s shields are down, but seemingly unwilling to let his gunner get a single kill.

You start your first run and an opponent quickly comes into view. As soon as they are in range, you start peppering him with your turret fire. The second you see the telltale shimmer of his shields being down, your driver takes you over the crest of a hill and just out of sight of your almost dead opponent. “Go back, I almost had him!”, you shout but he doesn’t seem to hear your request because he continues upon his merry way. You have got to be kidding, right? Nope, because ten seconds later the same exact thing happens. You almost have a kill but then he speeds off around the corner of the base. Or through the wheel. Or behind the generators. Or just past the curve. Or through the mancannon. Or off somewhere, anywhere that leaves you unable to finish your kill. Because apparently that is just how he rolls. Freakin’ won’t let me get a kill because he can’t drive worth shit asshole.

24 Responses to HPTBTSOOM: The Inept Warthog Driver

  1. I rarely if EVER take the warthog, but at least when I do take it out I manage to get a few wheelman medals. Im liking the new series! Will this be a weekly entry?

  2. AusQB says:

    If I ever jump in the turret, it’s only when someone I trust is behind the wheel. I’ve had people wait for me to jump in, but then speed towards the center of the map for some power weapon, and then leave me there while they go jerk off with their new toy (Pardon my French).

    I really hope this is a weekly segment.

  3. Penguinish says:

    Lol, im usaly the guy with the sniper, but if i never drive the hog, and if i am going to be in the turret its only because my friend Chris is driving, hes the only guy who can drive a hog, with out getting us killed.

  4. Cozmo23 says:

    I think I might be this guy. :) MY main goal is keeping the car alive and then killing people. I guess the big difference is I listen to my gunner and try to give him/her an angle when they call out wounded enemies.

  5. SoxKid05 says:

    that does suk and it has happened to me in game. I think qorse then that is when people take power vehicles by themselves to get something. For instance. Sandtrap, a dude gets in the warthog and doesnt pick anyone up, then dashes away toward the banshee, leaving the warthog behind for the other team. TAKE A MONGOOSE OR SOMETHING ASS!! *coughs* sorry bout that. ANYway, it also happens on lots more maps. Another example? okay just because you asked. Avalanche. We start out, then right away someone jumps in the hornet. Now i dont know your tactic, but mine while on avalanch is 1) get in the hornet 2)pick up people in the hornet 3) fly said persons to laser while protecting them while ariborn. Back to the story. So i figure, hey ill hop in and grab the laser for once. Just as im about to push RB, he flys off, ditches the hornet at the laser, and dies anyway.

  6. BBJynne says:

    I’m guessing at least some of these are people that are used to the campaign with non-moving enemies with not a lot of recharging

  7. Ray says:

    LOVE the new series bs!

    I, however, am an excellent warthog driver =D

    I pride myself on my driving skills, and am a valuable asset behind the wheel.

    There always seems to be someone on my team who thinks they are better however, and they end up being the “You Think This Is Bad You Should See Me In A Mongoose Driver.” I tell them I am better at driving than gunning, but Noooooooo….

    I actually get complements on my driving a lot =)

    Anyways, I’m off to Creation Fest ( http://www.creationfest.com/ne ) so I’ll ttyl!


  8. silvercube says:

    lol… well you can always lay a trip mine : )

  9. Stuicide says:

    Heyyyy…. I know who that picture is of…. ;)

  10. snorkle256 says:

    It’s not my fault you can’t shoot fast enough!

  11. Soulofaqua says:

    This makes me think that we should make a list of kinds you may encounter whilst playing Halo 3… I’m the one that can’t sing but still does so.

  12. ALIENCROW says:

    Thts freakin hilarious cuz its true some players r freakin stupid behind the wheel of any vehicle and end up costing us a ride.

  13. Jim 028 says:

    I’m a lousy driver, I usually let Rob 077 drive for me when we are playing together. He is usually pretty good at feeding pedestrians to the turret gunner.

  14. bs angel says:

    Stu, I didn’t link the picture to the corresponding profile because I didn’t want people to think I was talking about him! LOL, … You have to admit that screenshot is just perfect for the article though. I did send him a message last night asking his preference for having his profile linked or not. :)

    And I probably have enough to bitch about to do this series on a daily basis, but it will be weekly or more often if I feel inspired. Nothing like a good rant!

  15. XerxdeeJ says:

    Who is that handsome devil in the seat of the Warthog?

    Angel has scored her fair share of kills on my turret platform. I am confident enough in my reputation to assist her in illustrating this point. I ain’t no Louis Black, but I am rarely at a loss for a willing tailgunner.

    Alas, the world must be saved from poor pilots who insist in ascending the captains’ chair. Listen to Ms. McBloggy, you game hounds. It’s the most important seat in the house. Don’t sit in it unless you pack the gear!

  16. Crazyeye0 says:

    God, I hate that kind of driver! I love being the Warthogs turret, but usually the driver ends up realy crap, or like the one mentioned in this article, God >_<

  17. aussie_spartan says:

    Is there a: “Literally can’t drive to save his own life, the lives of his teammates or to win the game” Driver? I think I fall into that catagory.

  18. snotwoogle says:

    yea i been reading ur blog for a while now…its cool. but i had to say you said HE whan talkin bout the driver…are you trying to make a point?

  19. bs angel says:

    The only point I was trying to make is that drivers that don’t let me finish a kill bug the shit out of me. :)

  20. Stuicide says:

    Learn to shoot lady! ;)

  21. bs angel says:

    Learn to drive jerk! ;)

  22. Stuicide says:


    bs angel – 1
    Stu – eleventybillion

  23. snotwoogle says:


  24. OwlAssassin says:

    I always take pride in my driving, I end many games with 2 splatters and 19 wheelman medals

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